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tw: suicidal tendencies

series of vents-cum-records
tldr been dropping all my homework for several days now. suicidal bc i cant write. mood swings. etc.
includes some extended answers, thoughts etc. that would be irrelevant in conversation (i.e., focusing on my relationship to the topic rather than the subject per se).

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record n133, 2022-05-16, morning

thank you for writing that analysis fall. helped to clear things up.

i don't particularly think the writing quality itself is bad. i disagree with the plot thou.

i wonder if maybe the fic was written by one of fall's alters. maybe somebody lost in a fever dream while another alter fronted, and they kinda blend together. but its still weird to the "fall" now and so far removed from their current state that they don't like it.

maybe the writer is the same alter who holds those childhood memories. and it kind of... comes back in the form of the demon to haunt the protagonist tubbo. so in a sense maybe fall was projecting themselves onto tubbo but at the same time their alter kind of wrote the other part. like those things that misswannabe writes that seem to reflect convos between people in her head. thats my guess for the metaphor.

like fall genuinely is a good person and wants to do good things. but at the same time they went thru a lot of pain, still going thru it. and they resent their abusers for that. so its kinda a fight between "bad" (in double quotation marks because the word doesn't necessarily mean what it means) fall that wants to fight back because other people did it first and they cant do anything about it, and "good" fall that wants to keep their head down and say nothing bc they fear they'll turn into the abuser.thats the metaphor that i think fall seems to be making anyway.

and maybe thats why fall said it isnt about jschatt. because it isn't really about fall's alter, it's about fall themself. and the kind of thoughts theyre facing.

when i first read the fic the thing with 'Will he still please?' reminded me of something. i dont know what. i guess i'll use the famous neocities persona Torture as an example. someone who writes poetic stuff abt their trauma and ppl are like "wow thats so beautiful". a lot of critically acclaimed stuff is like that, blending traumacore with aesthetic quality.

and at some point maybe ppl start to respect you not for "you" but for the stories you write. the beauty you create. and if you get over that trauma, if you stop writing poetry, if you stop creating beauty—well, people don't have any reason to love an average normie.

like... when fall did their original writing i guess that was when they didnt have (relatively) much trauma. but they didn't post it online, and their parents said it was shit. so they kinda believed it was shit because kids believe what their parents say. and then when they posted 50 weeks which was a trauma fic and people loved it. and the conclusion fall kinda drew was that the difference was the inclusion of trauma.

so it's like people were praising fall not for the writing quality but for the trauma. it felt like they weren't in love with fall per se but with some perverse notion of tortured genius. and that they value someone based not on that person per se, but how much they're suffering.

so yeah. thats my thoughts anyway. i don't really like popular trauma stuff. like torture or sewerslvt. more like i envy them if that makes sense? because i can't "aestheticize" (as i think torture put it) suffering. like if it feels personal (as fanfiction does) then i like it. but if it feels about the creator then i envy them. which is why i don't idealise rolling girl. like yes its a good song and kinda sums up life but my interpretation is that the guy is wowaka himself. as i wrote in n93 my interpretation is that miku carries all of wowaka's trauma because she still wants to live, and eventually he tells her "its okay you don't need to carry my trauma any more". and since im not a music producer i find it hard to empathise with the story.

like with Catharsis i tried to not make it about me. so that it could be immersive. like you're delta.

meh.

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record n132, 2022-05-14, evening(3)

i guess i should talk about somewhat brighter stuff. i dropped tenkaichi. it talked big about having "two protagonists" but adams didn't get a second wind and was killed pretty much instantly. not to mention that munemori is kinda the protagonist considering his role as narrator in the first chapter.

i was reading Evilsweets' story 'The rotting corpse of Hatsune Miku'. and it got me thinking about poetry.

'Throughout the rest of the show, Miku heard similar conversations around her, and her mind continued to worsen, by the end of the concert Miku's face was painted with a tint of green. The exhaustion of both singing and dancing at the same time, whilst listening to insults and harassment from all sides of the stage was enough to make her throw up almost instantly.'

this above quote directly describes miku. and the more direct you are the more cringe you sound. so you can rewrite it to be something like this:

'Throughout the rest of the show, the conversations echoed through the hall. By the end of the concert, an imperceptible hint of distaste had shown on Miku's face. The exhaustion of singing and dancing at the same time, whilst the noise overwhelmed her... she wanted to escape.'

and then you just sound like one of those pretentious professional poets who doesn't really describe anything and just uses posh words to sound smart. cause the above quote doesn't describe miku's worsening mind and her nausea. dang. cause honestly its either be cringe or pretentious. thats kinda what im trying to figure out.

not gonna leave a review because i don't think i have anything solid to say.

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record n131, 2022-05-14, evening (2)

so i just realised that yan left miri's server. i reproduce his final public message below.

'I'm announcing something here just not to disturb the general channels fun..

It seems like the end has finally came, really really sooner than expected, but I think that I've caused enough Drama and pain to everyone, I'm know I'm not welcomed no matter how much you say that I'm welcomed, I've been disrespectful and shameless it seems, that's why nobody wants me, but before I even did all that, some people here made my life much worse than HELL itself, so they made me the monster I'm in right now, you can blame me for anything you want actually, Idc about any blames, I'm not really blaming anyone but I'm just mentioning it, and it just looks like this place is not suitable for me anymore, so I decide to disappear for ever, my last wish for my old friends is to grow up and put KIDS stuff aside, be more mature and live life as it should be on your own way, aim for strength not weakness and never give up or weaken in hard times, and now that I'm done, I'm pretty sure that this message might get deleted by helpers/mods/admins etc.. But I don't really care, I just hope I'll be forgotten, just act like I wasn't, pretend that my place was empty from the start, I wish I could've talked more but I really can't, and at the end I just wish you the best of luck and stay safe..

- DEAD ACCOUNT#4485 on 2022-05-04 in the spam channel

so a call against escapism.

i somewhat suspect that i'm included in the 'some people here', but i digress.

imo i think hes overthinking it. we know he's going through some stuff. its just that others are... going through stuff too. like that one time when saga said no gifs and some people got angry and saga went on mod break because of a sickness.

i've said before that miri's server is kinda a kids' server. escapism. acting like cute uwu ppl. not the "people connecter" you might expect.

meh. he recognises that in the end, it doesn't really matter who's right. he doesn't fit and wants to leave. the end.

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record n130, 2022-05-14, evening

was reading Kazuhisa's newest article Broken Concrete, which was on the same subject as the previous vent. whether we should reach out to people or not.

it was somewhat calming until the titor quote, which triggered me. because i think you should blame the game, not the players.

its a bit high and mighty for time travellers to say stuff like everybody is sheeple (it's a cliche; i remember reading about leaflets with the same premise a few hundred years ago, especially an interesting one that claimed it was from the year 2000). especially when the presumably powerful time travellers don't actually do anything and just bitch about how bad the past was lmao. like they see all the bad things humans are doing but, having grown up in a different environment, they seem to lack any empathy to understand why people don't want to do anything. namely, that it's a cycle of being exploited by the people in power and not having any energy or willpower or even desire left to do anything special. and hence the machine runs.

but in the end stuff like the titor leaflets are just propaganda in my opinion. like the book kazuhisa shared with me. they don't actually raise anything of value from their background; their claim of ethos merely serves to belittle the reader and portray them as controlled by their emotions (the book) or mindless (the quote). like bro just state your justification lmao, if you're gratuitously insulting the reader and saying "nobody likes you" then maybe you've misunderstood how to convince people. (though this doesn't apply to politicians/plutocrats because they dont care about doing good things.)

meh. thats why i don't like reading philosophy or inspirational quotes. just a lot of feeling insulted. same with a lot of fiction nowadays. in order to create "plot" they back it up with some hackneyed edgy morality and then i feel attacked and stop reading it.

and that is i guess the dilemma of debate. we could argue, and maybe it would lead not to an increase in knowledge, but to anger at the other person, and self-hatred at not being able to convince the other person. and thats what kazuhisa said. reaching out isn't necessarily a good thing.

eh.

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record n129, 2022-05-14, late afternoon

was outside today, needed something to do. so i tried to read the first chapter of fall's VULTURES. caused me to zone out for a bit because the speech was a little triggering.

anyway. i guess i don't like it, if only because not all people are abusers as schlatt (?) portrays. and i felt it was just some generic manhwa edgy antihero routine where all the others betray the protagonist and gory revenge ensues. like... i find it hard to sympathise with schlatt when i believe, as i have said to fall before, that "we" dont have any responsibility to sympathise for the villain, esp. when they've already done bad shit. we just make the choice that's best for ourselves.

it's... extremely patronising of schlatt to pretend that he can "reveal" things, when in reality we've known them all along. we know that our friendships are trades and that nobody will help homeless people. because thats just how the world works. it's just that for a moment we put aside our misanthropy and focus on the conversation.

we know that if we don't hold open the door for someone else, they'll be insulted. but most people just... don't care, in the sense that they'll just forget tomorrow.

but it reminded me of a story i'm working on. the divide between Delta and Hackett.

like people say toxic things on twitter i guess. but the thing is that... they're not necessarily wrong. like maybe someone says "all pedophiles should be flayed and tortured" (or child abusers/animal abusers/politicians/exploitative bosses/scalpers etc.). ig that is monstrous, in the sense that the execution method is inhumane no matter the crime, and that we don't try to help the monsters rehab. but at the same time... why would most people want to save them? we don't have any love for them. the problem is that we're right in our reasoning in a sense. people won't attack us for it because they believe it's right, too.

fall even has a 'this user hopes their abuser suffers' userbox on their blog.

so... in my story, there's this character, i'm gonna call them silver in this blogpost. they're a worthless teen, they don't have any social skills or intelligence, etc., and they don't study because they're dumb and it's just one shit cycle. and nobody helps them because why would you want to help someone with no redeeming qualities? like... it'd be better to save homeless people, because at least they have potential. silver has no potential at all. helping them wouldn't add any value to the world.

if we required others to help silver, would that not be an equally monstrous punishment—not to mention onto less deserving people? that's the crux of my story. silver deserves it.

and eventually they start to kill everybody. because everybody else is perfect. everybody else manages to make their friends happy, and invent things to make the world a better place, and work to develop the economy, and entertain people on social media. silver doesn't. schlatt's flaw is thus revealed: by calling people selfish, he thus reveals that he is selfish. kinda hypocritical lol.

thats kinda why i don't like watamote. because it's not about a genuine femcel, it's just about an anxious girl who deep down is really a good person. also kinda why i don't believe online personalities have depression as bad as normal people.

or maybe i'm overthinking it. because fall presumably wrote it as a vent to themselves or their surroundings (family+exes).

it just made me feel something really intense ig. and since fall must've been dealing with that kinda shit back then and maybe still now, i respect them more. like... im sorry for what you had to go through and youre really strong.

meh. i clicked off the fic and read some vocaloid stuff instead, i'll write about it later.

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record n128, 2022-05-12, late afternoon

someone, somewhat close to me, once said that i don't know what friendships entail. and maybe they're right.

i... get a little bit tense whenever someone messages me for the first time. because i don't necessarily know why they've messaged me or what kind of response they want. but usually i just make some lackluster-seeming thanks and the person on the other end seems satisfied with that. i find that sometimes lonely people, me included, sometimes overthink social relationships.

like if fall said tomorrow "yo actually i believe my episodes are caused by demons summoned by my exes which come down to earth and torture me", i guess i would be okay with that. like i don't believe it's true, but i'd understand it as being a metaphor for their thoughts. or, as i read somewhere: a kid said "i have these hammers in my brain" and the psychologist said "okay, let's see if we can stop some of the hammers." it might not be literally true, but it is true in the mind of the person saying it.

and in any case, lots of people believe in demons etc., so it wouldn't really be something unacceptable, especially when fall has explained that they're mentally ill.

people say money can't make you happy and in a very strict sense bits of paper don't make you happy unless you're some sort of paper fetishist or hoarder. but i daresay money is a prerequisite to be happy.

i can't really offer any advice here because i'm pretty sure i'm the same age if not younger than fall.

i guess i want safety too. i guess Moony gives Delta safety in the Panzer Hotel. something i've been thinking about for some time. Delta can be genuinely abusive sometimes, but while Moony could easily beat Delta up, he just doesn't. partially because he blames himself for making Delta an orphan, and partially because Delta doesn't pose an actual violent threat (he's fought against... things that want his life before).

like when Delta's feeling shit she can just hug Moony and he'll accept her.

i still don't know how Savoring will go. like i guess Chroah attacks Delta but Moony stops him from hurting her. even though they're estranged at that point. Delta just... trusts Moony, and vice versa. they might fight sometimes but at the end of the day they care about each other.

or, as i said to panda: i idealize the naruto-sasuke relationship. i want a world where even if you break rules and do bad shit, your friends will still say "you'll always be my friend" or something like that. but that does raise the question of when a friendship is solidified. because if you're merely an acquaintance then maybe you shouldn't interfere etc. etc.

of course that'd be an ideal world. irl we often have too many problems of our own to deal with. like i haven't watched naruto but i don't think naruto had any big problems apart from the villain sasuke? like naruto didn't have to wageslave lmao and he didn't have any mental problems.

i guess that is the cruel reality of the latest chapter of fall's techno fic. even thou techno genuinely wants to help his non-abusive friends, he just can't deal with the weight of their problems, on top of his own.

so yeah. i guess thats my thoughts.

i was talking to kasumi last night and mentioned that panda might like to do a collab, so i hope that works out.

was singing in the rain today. got in a bit of trouble cause i was doing an emo song and the teachers thought i was having a breakdown or something.

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record n127, 2022-05-12, afternoon

when i was at summer school i didn't really eat much for lunch. the first few days weren't very good but i think my body sorta got used to it. so i hope fall gets used to their hunger over the next few days. i was reading about competitive eaters and apparently it's bad to not eat before a competition because your stomach contracts to cope and even though you're more "hungry" you get full faster. i think on the sanctioned-suicide forum there was a thread about how starving/thirsting to death is unbearable for the first two days and then strangely gets okay the next two days, but i don't know how true that is. but yeah. maybe a silver lining.

i read fall's newest chapter, it was good. subscribed to the series.

i guess if techno's abusers are based on Fall's own parents then maybe Phil is based on Fall's friends? cause from what Fall has said, their friends don't really know everything about them. only what fall has told them directly. like yeah phil is very nice and all but he doesn't really realise what's going on with techno. and then eventually fall's friends have to go because they've got their own problems to handle.

'Sometimes, Oliver will lay down for bed with me. He hugs me, and I remember how nice it felt when Rin would hug me every night before we drifted off for sleep together. I almost stop hurting. Not all the way though; Oliver’s hugs aren’t Rin’s, and I can tell the difference.
But, eventually, Oliver gets up and it’s sad; I remember how alone I am. Rin would have stayed until I didn’t hurt anymore.'
- Broken Brother by GenericAuthorName

and then without philza, techno kind of spirals. just like fall. when youre depressed you do bad stuff, and then you get angry at yourself, and then your emotions get even more intense, and it's just a cycle. and then you don't want to talk about it with people, because you think they wouldn't want to give sympathy to someone who did bad stuff. self-hatred. and the cycle just worsens. and then you get paranoid and really sensitive and that just exacerbates everything. thats what i guess anyway.

i sometimes say that i wish ppl would hate me. lemon thought i was just being edgy but i didn't lie. bc ik i'm prolly going to fuck up somehow. and loss is easier to bear when you blame the other person instead of yourself. someone called Sorrite reached out to me about Catharsis and i felt like saying "yo im actually an asshole and also male." but itd be rude to suggest that they only reached out because they thought the author was a girl xD. anyway my point was that their time would probably be better spent doing other stuff and talking to other people.

sometimes i get disappointed because i'm about to write and then my parents interrupt me. like i don't really have any safe place because i can't exactly leave home. my main method of coping these days is just watching youtube, especially those mcyt "my friends trapped me so i got revenge" things, and that escapism is probably harmful.

but i can't really... do any better. occasionally i see into Hackett's world for some seconds and get really happy, most of the time it just seems really unrealistic and generic. same thing with lemon's world. Delta's comfort character (i guess she's an alter?) is Moony but he resents her because it wouldn't be very realistic if he didn't lol. so not really a very... healthy comfort system.

i'll write later, gonna save this first.

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record n126, 2022-05-11, afternoon

so Catharsis is now up, both on this website and on AO3. i have a weird feeling that i should keep on editing it, but i don't really have any ideas. and i'm worried that if i delay it any more, then it will be inconvenient if anything happens irl.

i actually had forgotten moony the foxboy had a tail, until i did the cover art. and i was like "wait this looks off" and then realised what was wrong lmao. and i just wrote a few lines about that and assumed that was why i was holding off on putting it out.

nice to see that fall's doing okay. i feel like an attention whore after i got the Like i asked for, lmao.

i find it strange that i still seek attention from (most of) the characters in my fanfics. (theyre quite small.) and whenever i do that retujy is like "are you a FUCKING writer or not?!" and i realise that i'm just bad at fantasizing lol.

and honestly that is a no-go. that is, like, bad. because i've spent my life fantasizing to the point where sometimes my father would say that dreaming is the only thing i can do. it's kinda scary to think "i have to be a better fantasizer". because fantasies shouldn't be something you have to be "good" at to do. and yet here i am.

it's rainy today, so i thought, sounds fun. and knowing my luck i've jinxed it and the rain will have already stopped after school. reverse jinx maybe? cause at least you dont get wet if theres no rain.

reading Kazuhisa's newest post Suspended made me wonder whether there was any practical use for fool's gold/pyrite. according to this article, no.

tldr pyrite is made of iron and sulfur. you can't use it to make iron because pyrite is rarer than other iron ores, the iron is harder to extract, and the sulfur weakens the iron. you can't use it to make sulfur because it's more efficient to get it as a byproduct of processing oil/gas or ironically gold itself. you can't use it as a building material because it oxidises. it isn't a good gold ore because it depends on the environment, and it's hard to process. its presence in coal creates sulfur dioxide, which pollutes the air and makes acid rain, and the process of removing pyrite from coal is expensive and inefficient.

the one bright side is that it looks a bit pretty, and people do use it as a gemstone—but it tarnishes easily. according to wikipedia some Aboriginals use flint-and-pyrite as a fire-starter, but modern fire starters generally use a striker made of tungsten carbide or steel, and a rod of ferrocerium (synthetic alloy) or flint.

so yeah. fool's gold is pretty much useless, unless you count its electrical properties that Wikipedia claims scientists are futher researching.

i guess we could extend this metaphor further. even if you do find gold, so what? it's not like gold per se is some magical philosopher's stone able to grant you happiness (though alcohol mixed with gold-leaf might make you tippy enough to be happy).

reminds me of an SMBC comic, where god says to someone, "okay, you get the Sisyphus treatment, but every time you push the rock up, a meaningless counter goes up by 1", and the person cheers. even if our fool's gold is useless, we still want to mine it because we must imagine Sisyphus happy (Camus). because we want—in Kazuhisa's terminology—that meagre checkpoint.

carpe diem, maybe? i like to think it's... accomplishment. we like to think that the Meaningless Counter isn't actually meaningless, and perhaps by virtue of us valuing it, it becomes meaningful.

i dunno. maybe this is all just philosophy.

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record n125, 2022-05-10, morning

french test was today. i didn't realise the date would come so fast.

last night was supposed to be the first competition meeting, but it was delayed because kasumi had a bad night and couldn't make it. coral said that apparently we weren't supposed to begin writing until that meeting so yeah.

i don't think kazuhisa is right in saying that moods are the only determining factor, since portraying humans as being wholly controlled by random whims seems to reject the role of logic and intelligence.

i woke up at 5am today to wash my hands. and then i couldn't sleep because of my father's breathing. i saw Moony for a moment but the feeling stopped. i couldn't think of anything to write so i just read for a bit. fantasizing isn't as easy as kazuhisa seems to imply, at least for me.

i thought of what to do with Catharsis. accompany it with a short essay and some cover-art. i still have to do the cover-art though.

watched the Crucible (act one) in English class today. weirdly reminded of Catharsis. "Moony bids you fly." He isn't the literal devil (that probably belongs to Calen) but Delta does demonise him.

psych draft is due tomorrow and i haven't started, so i'll have to do that.

i hope Fall's doing alright. they haven't Liked my posts in a while but they still haven't unfollowed.

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record n124, 2022-05-08, evening

was watching a No Bitches meme. it went on to employ the Nobody Asked meme and the Attention-seeking/No Father meme. for some reason that made me kinda sad. because nobody ever asks me to write for them lol, all they do is ask me to study and other mundane stuff. (well, not quite nobody. WD and Moony asked me to write something, but I suspect it's because they know of no other writer. Gabe asked me to write something original but only because I had complained about not being able to make OCs.)

i find it somewhat aggravating that people always act passive-aggressive with the Nobody Asked thing. i think i talked about this in relation to abuse before. you get raised on the mindset that if the people in charge don't ask you for it or give you praise for it, then you shouldn't do it. and then when the people in charge stop giving you anything in return, you get called attention-seeking.

gonna submit the Kasumilk crackfic to the competition because I don't believe in judging stories lol.

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record n123, 2022-05-06, late afternoon

i feel like we make a conscious decision to ignore the outside world, because we know that once we subject our "reason to live" to any sort of scrutiny, we realise that we have no reason. some people are okay with this because they're active nihilists. many aren't.

and that's why i found it a little patronising when somebody's blog post on the tøp song Car Radio admonished the audience to "think"; i had the same feeling when Kazuhisa did the same in their recent article Power.

it's not that we can't think; it's just that we all have, and we're all depressed (with the possible exception of the boomers and the wealthy) because of that. we don't have an answer, can't find one. so we just shove it to the corner of our mind because we'd otherwise be fruitlessly preoccupied with "thinking".

meh.

I was thinking about the word 'tantalizing' recently. Named after the story about Tantalus, who pissed off the Greek gods and got put into a beautiful garden where the fruits and water were always out of his reach. The word seems to be meant in a positive sense in reviews.

'In the new “Cyrano,” [...] The director, Joe Wright, makes a heart-rending three-person song out of the love triangle, visualizing their harmonizing with split screens, tantalizing imagery and barely subdued eroticism.'
- The New York Times (random article I found while searching for an example)

I was wondering whether someone would call my writing tantalizing. It just seems like a really negative term. I want to immerse people, like how any other writer can. That's why I called Fall's series one of the best things I've ever read. Fanfiction is immersive. If something's tantalizing, that means it's not immersive. I hate my writing because it's not immersive. (It's not exactly tantalizing either, but I digress.)

In other news, I put out Treehouse. I'm considering calling Catharsis finished but I'm worried that there might still be something to add.

The Kasumi writing competition is coming up. Public, 3k-5k words, "adventure in a new world", due on the 20th, submit to Kasumi's Discord. I'm considering writing some generic isekai just so the judges have some baseline to judge.

Fall hasn't come on in some time, so I hope they're okay. Also Defort and Blockman.

Ryozen hasn't replied yet so I don't think they will.

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record n122, 2022-05-03, late afternoon

semi-funny joke I've been wanting to say for a while. so PTO was doing the tags on a story.

PTO: Yo, there's a Graphic Depictions of Violence tag! Does this story have any Graphic Depictions of Violence?

Me: Graphic depictions of violence? The story's imagery is so bad that you can't call it graphic anything!

haha very funny! hahaha *silent crying*

Also I was doing a Quotev quiz and it just replied 'You may be a good writer'. LIKE BRO what a cold read lmao. "You may be... you also may not be. I'm an internet quiz, bitch, what did you expect?!" 100% that quiz just gives the same answer to everyone.

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record n121, 2022-05-03, afternoon

I saw Fall's new blogpost.

A friend recently told me that they were suicidal. And I didn't know what to say. They'd told me about their life before; chronic illness, no training, no money. A little like Panda.

In the name of honesty I told them that I didn't see any hope. However, I also added that... I'm not in my right frame of mind; I'm suicidal and I don't know how skewed and inaccurate my opinion might be.

So I hesitate to say anything to Fall about truth or life. I guess I'm middle class, I don't live in a coffin home or something. But I don't really see a chance to get a job after university. And even if I do get a job it'll just be some wageslave gig.

I wonder what word Fall meant. Moral panic? Virtue-signalling? Paranoia?

Like I get what Fall means. There's a crisis in Ukraine rn and everybody is putting Ukraine flags onto their profiles to support them. It's not really virtue-signalling because I get the feeling a lot of people genuinely want to help the Ukrainians. It's just that there's not much you can do about it, and nobody knows what to do, or are too poor to donate any significant sum to the various charities. So they resort, in their emotion, to creating echo chambers and circlejerks.

And then afterwards we just get so fucking tired because we can't do anything about our own lives, either.

Maybe the fact that we have to work, is something Kazuhisa ignores. Or maybe they want us to somehow enjoy it.

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record n120, 2022-05-03, morning

for some reason, when Fall said they needed more protein my mind instantly jumped to protein powder.

I don't really like online quizzes, because I always take them too seriously.

I wish I could cut. I've done it a few times before. It's just... inconvenient. Dangerous, if somebody notices. I use my thighs; never got the whole wrist thing because I usually wear a short-sleeved shirt (I sweat a lot). Last time I did the blood stained my underwear. I dunno if my parents noticed or if they thought it was just chocolate or something.

The main risk when self-harming is that you might get infected, at least in my non-professional opinion. If the wounds are shallow and don't pierce the veins, then you clot fast. What I was taught in my first-aid class was to wash light cuts with soap and water, and elevate/bandage if necessary. Seeing as a lot of people who self-harm don't get infected, that might not even be necessary.

I've heard stories about people surviving suicide attempts despite having deep wounds, but I don't know how true those stories are.

Kazuhisa's newest blog post is flowery; while I disagree with them on many points, I still read their stuff because the imagery is very, very nice. I don't really have anything to say about it though, since I've argued about the importance of perseverance before.

I was going to write an article about cars yesterday, but weirdly enough I don't really enjoy auto stuff anymore. All the expensive luxury cars just seem... too flashy and indulgent.

I was thinking about doing a Miri fic called A Forecast, after the Touche Amore song. But then I went over some stuff I recently wrote for Catharsis and remembered my writing is shit.

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record n119, 2022-05-02, morning

i guess we all want a knight to save us, eh? but in the end we accept that we're not Rapunzel, so we want to at least be that knight, a Houdini, to escape the prison that traps us. that's why we gobble up all that propaganda about "hard work" or "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps" or whatever. and we kind of expect karma to befall those who exploit us.

we want to save ourselves. but at the same time we have such skewed standards about what "making it" really means, to the point that, as Kazuhisa observed, a good job, competency, and friends are no guarantee of happiness.

on the other hand, I keep thinking about that one tweet that says, "more money would solve all my problems, actually". The whole thing is... complicated, when we live in a real-world dystopia and it's hard to separate the effects of exploitation from those of our humanity. Sure, having a good job doesn't grant you happiness, but it allows you happiness, because you would die or wageslave otherwise.

I guess... it's easy to tell people to Just Do It, but it's harder to enunciate exactly what It is, when people don't know what makes them happy. Like yeah Kazuhisa is saying "stop marching! run in your own direction!" and that may very well be good advice, but you simply don't know what direction to go in, because every direction is fraught with pitfalls.

Can you afford to stop marching, or will the Capitalist's Great Whip strike you down? A common thread in memes these days is that people would rather sleep than do anything "exciting". Reminds me of something Snowden said about the military: they tire you out so much that you just don't have the will to rebel. Probably holds true for farmers centuries past, too.

And I guess... that's where Kazuhisa wrongs. They see that having money and friends doesn't necessarily make people happy, and thus assumes that they have no effect—except they do, as they allow you to be happy. That's why whenever some celeb or e-celeb claims to have depression, I don't have as much sympathy as I perhaps should have, because I know that they have so much support that normal people simply don't have.

Maybe we should stop poisoning ourselves. But we've gotten so used to what Kaczynski called drugs to take away our unhappiness. We cope with food. In a sense Kazuhisa's admonishment is reminiscent of all those "just go meditate" or "just go hiking" people who think that the normal person's problems with the world are nonexistent and self-induced. Perhaps meditation really is somewhat useful when you can afford the time to do it, but it doesn't solve climate change.

I said to Gold once that I related to Len Kagamine in the song Uproar of Teacher and Student. Believing that there is an education in the conversation. I quoted that line to her. But there's dissonance, so not really. I don't much like talking about myself, because in the end I'm just a vessel.

Fall is starting to be paranoid again. I hope my words weren't a nocebo or anything.

No Beltane in Hong Kong. We had Labor Day on the 1st, and the 2nd is a public holiday.

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record n118, 2022-04-30, noon

i keep on thinking of an image that says you might be stressed if you keep on touching the roof of your mouth with your tongue or tap your foot. it might just be pop (pseudo-)psychology but it sounds right. like if you self-stim or have some tic, then maybe it's for some Freudian reason. maybe Fall is starting to... expect something to happen. and they're flinching and being nauseant because they think something horrific will happen soon. like, they've survived through years of abuse from exes, and now that they aren't in contact with them anymore, it feels a little... jarring to not have something bite you.

like cherophobia (fear of happiness). when you're on an emotional high, you keep on expecting an emotional low because "that's the way the cycle happens" or something.

In record n92 I posted an interesting quote; I repost it below.

‘We opposed those who wanted to make our lives bitter [...] To take our lives was to be defeated, and almost all of us were determined not to give that satisfaction to the oppressors. [...] After we came out, it was another matter; it was not uncommon for survivors of the camps to kill themselves when they returned to the society they'd left behind. Then, when there was nothing to oppose, our reasons for living out our lives had to come from within our selves, and in many cases our selves had been ruined.’
Andrew Solomon, ‘The Noonsday Demon’, p.281, an interview with a Soviet camp survivor

That's what I think happened with Fall. Like, when you're being abused you know mainly one goal, to survive. And then you feel you have some "control" over the situation because you survive each day. But then when you stop being abused, you have to deal with all the messed-up emotions and coping mechanisms that are ingrained into your brain, and figure out what's wrong. And you can't really know if you're even progressing at all.

Or this theory could be all wrong and it's just that Fall has reached a point where they're too tired to carry on, and think that nothing will change.

Sometimes I'm aimless. I just repeat in my head that I will write the fics I have in my mind, and I guess that's how I cope. Because otherwise it's just doing homework, watching YouTube and being lonely.

But I dunno if Fall should ignore their problems. Maybe it will work, temporarily, and then they'll crash. Like, people always say to recognise your abuse and move on. It's just that moving on is easier said than done, especially when you still live with abusive people (in this case Fall's parents).

At least Fall figured out they were the victim. Congratulations! -w-

Diets suck. Like yeah for a few people (bodybuilders and the morbidly obese) they can be useful. But for most people (and I assume Fall belongs in this category) trying to adopt a diet can just make you malnourished, hungry and sad lmao. diets are also a lot more complicated than just "eat less" because when you eat less then the things you actually eat matter more (since you still have to get your DVs). not to mention that calories are measured using bombs and you are not a bomb (old joke ik). hopefully fall will be able to make a new stash.

Those are my thoughts anyway.

Kazuhisa wrote a new post. Interesting. I guess I've always been taught that everything you do should have a purpose, and that purpose is to get Some More Money for your Friends And Family. If you don't have Some More Money, or Friends And Family, then you must be doing something wrong. My school isn't as extreme as others that push studying, but in its own way it pushes that. Y10 and Y11 have to do something called S&A, and Y12/Y13 something called CAS. (Service and Action, and Creativity, Action, Service, respectively). Basically you're supposed to take pictures of all the charitous things you do for credits. They aren't included in your academic score but you need to do them to pass. The IB says it teaches kids to help people but it's just a blatant CV thing, kids learn to do charitous things not because they genuinely want to help people but because they can look nicer to universities or employers.

I was talking with Poili about stories a few weeks ago, and I mentioned to them that while immortals necessarily have to accept loneliness, mortals don't, because we only live a few decades and can afford to stay with each other until death.

We... find our raison d'être in others. Some claim that it's a capitalist dystopia where we've all been brainwashed into thinking we're worthless unless we work, and to be honest that theory doesn't seem far-fetched.

Meh.

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record n117, 2022-04-29, afternoon

misswannabe gave some cool advice to fall recently.

i still stand by my (hot?) take that plurality is a schema, a theory. not something real but something to better explain yourself. and in that sense misswannabe was right when she said that fall might have some hidden alters. because there's always going to be something you've forgotten about yourself, because sometimes you act in a certain way only when the circumstances make it so.

in any case i don't consider myself a plural because i am a vessel.

i read a few pages of the thing kazuhisa sent me. i don't like the structure, because it's an ad hominem (or at least extremely patronising) to portray the reader as a senseless, rude 'youth' motivated only by emotions and the author as a wise philosopher who constantly owns the youth. but eh, that's just the writing style, it's got no bearing on the truth of the content.

so i guess a big assumption with the philosophy is that there's no such thing as biology. like, i guess the first chapter on trauma assumes you can change your brain however you choose. however, the way the brain develops is that it makes certain nerve pathways, to the point where some people can't function without taking pills to balance the chemicals in their brain. like maybe you can rewire an abused child but it will take a lot of time and even then they will probably have things they can't shake off because that's how habits work. if everything really was in your head then we'd be seeing a lot of miraculous recoveries from mental illnesses.

like. maybe all mental suffering is just in your head. but then all pain is chemical, and nobody says to a chronic pain person "oh just get over it." you can't really... rethink your life because that's what you naturally slip into. you can't make yourself enjoy things. i could give up writing but then i would always yearn for it simply because it's the only thing that makes my fantasies come alive.

i hate my writing because it is, to my standards, bad, and no matter how hard i've tried my writing still comes up shit. if i changed my standards then i wouldn't be a writer, i'd be a special-pleading narcissist. if i gave up writing then my life would be even more worthless than it already is.

i compare myself to other people because i live by the markscheme. other people show me what to expect from myself because we have had the same upbringing. a metaphor i've used before is being only in the first few hundred meters while everybody else is already a few hundred kilometers ahead. sure, how far i travel is in a strict sense dependent on my effort. and maybe if i tried hard enough i could get a Gold Star for effort, yippee! but it wouldn't change the fact that i'm a disappointment to my parents lol.

if i can't make money then i am a bad person. i can't make money therefore i am a bad person. to accept "myself" would imply accepting that i am unable to help my loved ones in a world that revolves around money.

i want to help people. if i don't help people then i'm worthless. i can't help people because i'll never be their first choice. maybe other people can find worth in themselves. but i can't.

it's cool to say that all you need to do is just Be Happy. but do you really want to be happy?

reminds me of the Karamazov quote Kazuhisa posted once. don't you dare forgive your son's torturer.

i just... skimmed through it because i don't like how patronising the philosopher is. and now that I've gotten to the chapter 'From Power Struggle to Revenge' which portrays self-harm as being attention-seeking, I think I'll stop reading entirely.

maybe i'm a coward for not reading the whole thing. but i like to think that i'm following the mindset of the book by doing so. because that's how you "win" against stuff like Twitter; you just don't play. i don't go out and strike up arguments, because i'd just lose and feel bad. i think we all argue so heavily because we genuinely want to fix those with wrong opinions and in a sense help them. it's just that in the end the subject matter is often so heavy (or gets so heavy) that people get more pissed off than the argument might be worth.

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record n116, 2022-04-29, morning

i was going to post a story today (claimed the prompt at least three weeks ago) but libreoffice crashed with my latest changes. so here i am instead.

i find it a little weird that nobody's really commented on my about page even though it has a lot of stuff people would consider secrets.

like i don't really keep secrets that pertain to me, i just put them on this site. nobody comments on ’em or even reads ’em anyway so yeah lol.

i mean its not like us online ppl can chase Fall down IRL or something lol. especially cause fall said it wasn't anything illegal.

so thats my stance anyway. its not like i’ll hate fall.

meh. if anybody sends me a message i'll reply with my thoughts and maybe that will be helpful to you. an offering of not sociality but perspective. i think Kazuhisa would be proud of that!

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record n115, 2022-04-28, late evening

so i forgot to mention this earlier but the Econ teacher made us do a weird task today. we each had a piece of paper with our names, other students wrote a bunch of stuff. what i got was "wow u read manga in class" and "you r smart". both of which don't really mean anything lol.

nothing to say. feeling lonely.

people act like it's easy to get friends. because all they had to do was stream a little or post some cool visual art and now they've got a bunch of people hounding their ass. because all they had to do was try.

maybe that's why isekai mangas always have the weak/enslaved/mentally-impaired female lead. not because of female stereotypes or sexism, but because the readers are so lonely that they know any able character would immediately choose to ditch them. after all, anybody in real life has already ditched them. and in a sense it's the lonely person's fault for not providing anything of value. that's why the isekai trope gives the protagonist OP powers. or at least some OP opportunities to change.

that's why i love-hate Flicker so much. because the fact that Moony will never love Delta for who she is, is just so realist. Moony is forced to care for Delta for FIVE YEARS. half a decade. and ironically if that doesn't happen then Moony would have hated Delta even more because of Rain giving her powers and everything after the Juss incident. the fact that Delta bothers Moony for five tortuous years only serves to bring them together. kinda based on how moony doesn't even talk to me these days because he's just that busy.

meh. i hope Ryozen replies to me soon.

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record n114, 2022-04-28, evening

seems like Fall has hit a writer's block. sometimes you just... can't journal because everything has already been said. like not really. but you have already expressed your problems and it's just that they're coming back again. and you don't really have any more thoughts on the subject.

i was half-expecting Fall's videos to out them as Gold but that didn't happen so yeah.

i wish i could write but i can't so yeah.

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record n113, 2022-04-28, morning

I was listening to one of Kazuhisa's music recommendations, D.A.N.C.E. by Justice. Yesterday after school, and today before school. I guess I imagined a bunch of friends (the Doki Doki Troupe) walking alongside "me" (well, Hackett, anyway). I hope my fantasies never leave me be, because in that moment I felt happy, like I had friends again.

I don't really... do author-inserts, I guess. I'm just a vessel for my stories; it's just that I empathise with the characters insomuch that I feel those intense feelings.

But that doesn't mean that I don't like being online. I can't be perfect online, I know that, which is why I don't do stuff like RPs. I like to think I just present myself on my website. I don't play video games very much because they just remind me of how unskilled I am at playing them. So I just watch youtube and get some escapism.

Parasocial stuff is weird. Like of course the person on the screen is acting like a part of themselves, but at the same time they aren't portraying the whole truth. Like ofc ironmouse is not an animu waifu irl and probably doesn't act like one.

I guess...

There was something I said to Lemon. When you lose a friend, it's easier to be angry and blame them, because at least then you aren't sad and miss them. It's easier to blame it on someone else then at least it's "something you can't control" and I guess Fall is usually constantly going over the memory and wondering if they could do better or something.

The last chapter is... poetic in a sense. Because Tommy I guess realised that it wasn't his fault? He's committing suicide not because he hates himself, but because he loves his friends. It's a semantic difference but a very real difference nonetheless. It's on Wilbur to save Tommy, but it's okay if Wilbur doesn't. Tommy isn't sad anymore.

The story I'm trying to write, Catharsis, is basically about you the reader going to kill yourself, and instead of getting you down Moony understands how you feel and he basically hugs you as you vent all your feelings out, and eventually you die happy. It's "immoral" but Moony can't help you with your problems, he can only give you some respite in your dying moments.

I guess... the character development in the Asthma series was really good. Really... intense, I guess, like the empathy I mentioned earlier.

I wonder if all the self-help people who say to "accept death" would be okay with people committing suicide.

Maybe Fall is getting better. They're starting to... get angry at their situation instead of blaming themselves for it. In the end, Tommy was at peace because he didn't worry about the situation he just kind of accepted it and its entailment of suicide.

Not really anything to say today.

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record n112, 2022-04-27, late evening

so i can't write. partially because of the aforementioned imgur post, partially because of a tweet that said authors should make their reader-inserts as generic as possible. partially because i'm a bad writer and it just isn't working.

but i am going to blame Fall and say it is because I keep thinking about the Asthma series and I'm all "grr this isn't as good as Fall's writing" and hopefully Fall will be like "wow im so flattered" lol. (in all seriousness though, it is one of the reasons.)

i don't really know how to start Catharsis I guess. At first I tried to depict Reader smiling but it just came across as psycho and overbearing.

meh. maybe it's all because i'm making too big a deal out of it. it might be the final thing i write. i need to learn some humility again.

i hope Ryozen will reply to me on the weekend.

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record n111, 2022-04-27, afternoon

finished reading Fall's Asthma series, the whole thing. the way i think this kinda stuff should be read: while procrastinating, in a classroom, without music.

i guess i should first of all state that it was one of the best things i've ever read. it's been a long time since i've read the characteristically intense passion of fanfictions, i can't bring myself to search for more these days. i'm not involved in the mcyt fandom but i guess i just plugged up the holes and guessed their personalities. because the fic does add a lot of new depth to their online personas.

cause it felt like a vent fic. something that tries to put "feelings" into words and tries to explain it and to put it into metaphors and stuff. i think readers related to the story, because it kind of... gives words to your feelings, enumerates them, makes your brain feel less confusing than it can sometimes be. because in the heat of the moment you don't try to describe it, you just feel it.

and i guess... there's a certain steadfastness in suicidal ideation.

'He looks down at the water, debating what he should do next, if he should leave a text, a call, anything behind to his friends. His friends are amazing and they deserve more than what hes going to give them. He knows hes going to hurt them, everyone, but yet he can’t escape its grasp. He tried, to thrash out of death’s mist after running toward it but now it doesn’t want to let him go. And he has to follow it. Even though its just this thoughts, he can walk away. He feels obligated, like he signed a nonexistent contract. A promise to himself.'
- wirescarryingme, Asthma Part 1: 'It's been 50 weeks since i saw vienna', Chapter 1

tommy's... alone in that moment. he knows what he has to do and he knows what he doesn't know. all that's left is to do it. he doesn't really... think about the other stuff. just the emotions going through his mind.

'Tommy doesn’t know. He isn’t allowed to know. Because layers upon layers are on him and he just floats out of the world and into a black void where he is blacked out and embraced but the embrace is nothing because he doesn’t remember it even in the moments he is in the void.'
- wirescarryingme, Asthma Part 1: 'It's been 50 weeks since i saw vienna', Chapter 9

tommy is no longer 'following' it. death is just something that happens, enveloping him.

i guess something that struck me in chapter 9 was the sudden mention of tommy's abuser. the thing with hidden memories. and how tommy started wondering exactly how much he didn't know, and tried to understand himself and his inability to act like "himself".

chapter 9 seems to be about tommy's death. and i guess in a way he is happy. it's no longer about the pain of losing his friends, he's over that. the pain of life itself is at the forefront of his mind. HE WANTS HIS SANITY BACK. to go back to a simpler time when he didn't have to "know" anything because he just- naturally understands. in a sense the Chapter 9 suicide offers not recourse from pain but from thinking.

i guess you could say something like that w/ Fall themselves. because during the time when they were abused, they just wanted to escape the pain. and then now that the pain is (relatively) over, the mental scars are still there. and Fall is like trying to figure out what happened even though all the evidence and DMs and memories are just one huge trigger.

and eventually Fall realised that they don't need to think if they just die.

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record n110, 2022-04-27, noon

I've been thinking about Kazuhisa's article 'Checkpoints'. My mother told me the night of the 25th that I've been studying for twelve years and this year is what it all boils down to. But I don't feel excited. I just feel tired.

Checkpoints don't rejuvenate me. I wish they gave me some powerup, like in the Mario games where you get a mushroom. But they just remind me that the game isn't over, that there's still so much more to go.

Every story I make is a kind of checkpoint for me, I guess. Finished (?) products.

'After mentally preparing and accepting that you do have a lot more in store — once you get over that nausea — you will now have to steady yourself past the nausea of how much or how far and what standards you'll set yourself to. And then once you do that you have to unlearn this destructive dynamic of do something good and then three things bad because you "deserve it" (but it's more like you're sedated beyond belief and can't see how these things are destroying you softly).'
- Kazuhisa, 'Checkpoints'

When I was younger the teachers would have us do these "three wishes and one keep" or something like that. Three things you wanted to improve on, and one thing you wanted to keep. I guess that was supposed to make us learn how to improve, but it only taught me that nothing would ever stop and that we 'deserve' to be endlessly criticised.

Because in a sense we do. I'm still thinking about the Imgur post mentioned in the last vent, and I guess we don't harbor any empathy for people. We don't want to help the people we deem bad, because why would we? Redemption is not our responsibility. Just toss the bad ones out.

Fall, if you're reading this I want to emphasise this. It's not your responsibility to "save" anybody (assuming that you could've and your abusers weren't just blackmailing/guilt-tripping you). It would be a utopia if everyone did, but the fact is that people have more important problems than dealing with others. That's why I think people leaving me is a good thing.

And the imgur post portrays it as cool to ditch people. It's just that we're all failures and there's always something to criticise. Life destroys us and then others say "maybe if you weren't so deranged you would have a better life", completely ignoring the context and portraying our minds as being wholly determined by our wills.

That's why I left that comment on the Imgur post. I just don't want to try to improve anymore, given that every checkpoint seems to lead to another goddamn failure.

I'M DYING
IS IT BLISSFUL?
IT'S LIKE A DREAM
I WANT TO DREAM
- Deafheaven, 'Dream House'

my fantasies do not entertain me. not when moony hates me.

thats why Moony treats Delta as an onahole. He resents her presence, but by virtue of being female she has a use sometimes. he literally can feel good sometimes from delta. that's more than i can say for myself, transition or no transition.

I write stories that do not meet my standards. I could reform my standards, but it would be cringe to. My reformed standards also wouldn't make any sense.

I wish Chroah would cut me down in the carpeted English classroom.

I assume Ryozen must be busy, because I sent it Monday evening and weekdays are always a busy time. I hope I worded my email right and he sees fit to reply.

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record n109, 2022-04-27, morning

i'm so reactionary these days, i seem to get angry at everything. something reminded me of an imgur post that said men should gouge out their eyes if they can't stop staring at women (it was anti-cover-up). i got really angry because i felt attacked (thou i haven't ever espoused cover-up ideology). left a comment saying that maybe i should kill myself if i can't stop hurting people. 3 people looked at it and downvoted me lmaooo. i even used a /srs indicator. tfw people say they're nice but aren't.

meh. not really anything i can complain about when the downvoters are anonymous lol.

on the bright side Mahoustar published Fog, which was brilliant.

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record n108, 2022-04-26, evening

Thinking about that one scene in Welcome to the NHK where the protag goes to a writing class and thinks that everybody else will criticise him. Instead of helping him the teacher just serves up an appeal to hypocrisy: "but aren't you the more judgemental one if you assume we're judgemental?"

That was a dick move to do ngl. Because in the protagonist's eyes, he was right in being suspicious. Judgement isn't necessarily a bad thing; we judge people all the time, especially in courts. And so the "comeback" is really just a fallacy of equivocating cautiousness with unwarranted criticism. Not a very good teacher if all he can do is attack a student for not trusting him.

Meh. Godcock said that 95% of people on Neocities are 'ideologicaly driven, stupid, brain-washed, predictable trash people, that contribute little-to-nothing of value to humanity or even themselves'. They didn't really explain why. I think that's less a Neocities thing and more their opinion on humanity in general, seeing as their book list is chock-full of similar complaints.

Nothing to say. Daswagger got back to me, but Ryozen hasn't yet.

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record n107, 2022-04-26, morning (2)

So last night my mother was checking up on the homework I didn't do and to my surprise she did not act extremely angry. I kind of have a past of not doing shit and her getting angry. Anyway I tried not to say anything about being suicidal and I think I was able to convince her, I just said some stuff about being tired. My TOK teacher spoke to me in class just now, but he was more concerned with my work than my mind so that was easier to pass off.

For some reason I don't think I've found it super difficult to keep the secret of my mind from IRL people whom I don't want to pass that info to. Maybe because I'm more neurotypical than the people who do find it difficult.

I'm not really afraid of my secrets getting out to internet people (they're literally on the About page lol) because I've ruined relationships for less. It's just that if any IRL adults got wind of that then I would probably be sent to a psychiatrist or something. I guess I have to thank Gold and Ultra for not sending this website to school.

I like to think that I'm empathetic, that I would understand if somebody said they did something bad. In any case, if Fall says that the thing they did wasn't illegal or 'bad' (I assume they mean it didn't, like, harm anyone directly) then I don't think people would hate them for it.

But then again I guess things aren't that simple. Like with how Fall holds a negative view of respect. I guess what they mean is 'etiquette'. Calling people "sir" or "madam" in a passive aggressive way and just being really formal and cold to people. Like if a stranger on the subway tells you about their problems, then the "respectful" thing to do would be to offer words of sympathy, because you arguably don't have the wherewithal to talk about or interfere with a problem that doesn't involve you. But to ignore your friends' vents on the same basis would be cold. And I guess maybe that's where Fall got their negative view from? Because everybody wanted Fall to do stuff for them and that paradoxically meant Fall had to not respect them.

And it was kind of drilled into Fall that they "had" to help people because they had some social obligation to. Like, most people are I guess okay with not helping people because they just aren't obligated to. Bystander effect maybe, they think someone better will come along. When I spoke to Lemon about my problems she kinda agreed that leaving me alone would be the best choice, and I'd be willing to bet that she doesn't worry about me anymore.

Maybe this whole thing with "respect" is why Fall disassociates so much. Because they have to act "friendly" to people even though that is unnatural. They are kind of forced to put on a facade for people. A different personality for each abuser-period. Disconnected from their "real" self and feelings. Maybe if Fall somehow gets stuck with Peaceful again then Toms would come back out.

Maybe Peaceful's... interpretation of Fall changed. Like maybe before the incident Peaceful saw Fall as a friend, kind of a "we're in this together" thing. And then Fall left and maybe Peaceful heard about D somehow. And saw Fall as a tool. 'Cause Fall kinda saw themselves as a tool, something to hold D back, at the time. And maybe Peaceful was scared of treating Fall like an actual person lest Fall go away to be used by someone again.

I guess Fall's mind is just... changing. Because they're away from Peaceful and D and they're starting to think about themselves more and who "they" are and what "they" want.

But in the end I don't know anything about Fall I guess. Like I guess I'm an outsider so I make these strong statements.

I don't know how someone IRL would find out about Fall. I guess Fall shared their username with ppl who might like preen or stalk Fall or something.

I'm one of those people who can never make good names. The name of this website is weird. Like I was playing with the word "represent" 'cause I thought it would like represent me. But "preresent" sounds like "pre-resent" and I guess that works 'cause readers probably resent me even before they talk to me thru IMs/emails lmao.

I guess... something I still think about was the time someone told me about their depression and I told my parents and they didn't trust me anymore. I guess I was always told shit like "tell an adult" and I didn't know about the concept of trust. I guess I should have some regret but I've been talking to Gabe and I can't really cheer him up so it's like I didn't develop at all lmao. Can't regret and cope when current situation is the same.

also i swear i will read the fanfic Soon its just that i want to finish Treehouse and Catharsis without feeling like I'm plagarising words from someone else >.>

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record n106, 2022-04-26, morning

so Fall got their website back, hooray! Two posts to reply to today.

First, the article on pedophilia. Archive here. It was less a defense of pedophilia, and more a criticism of the "moral panic" against MAPs and lolicons. I don't know the norm in MAP culture, but, strictly speaking, pedophilia is merely an attraction towards minors. Like, I'm okay with people making fictional child erotica because the making of it doesn't have any effect on children, and that's what I was defending.

My stance is that adult-child relationships shouldn't exist, at least right now. Life experiences aside, children have simple brains that obey what their parents say, and the brain develops massively during puberty, which is why children aren't able to give consent.

Even if—as some pedophiles seem to claim—children have brains capable of making good decisions, we can't expect them to do so. The education system (and parenting, and culture, etc.) is so messed-up that even many adults often make bad decisions regarding consent. There are lots of problems with the age of consent, but those are legal (or, as Fall said, semantic) issues. Maybe in the future we'll have some psychology revolution where children are indeed able to make good decisions, but that's not now. If we remove the age of consent then even worse things will happen.

It's just that at this point I started criticising a kind of belief that defeating pedophiles is the be all and end all way of stopping child abuse, and I deleted the article because it felt like an ad hominem ("you claim to be against child abuse yet you just attack non-abusive pedos without also attacking schooling systems, depression and corporal punishment").

Anyway. Fall's tips on privacy are pretty cool. I didn't know that Cryptpad existed, I was going to say something about Google Drive but then I saw that CryptDrive exists. I think it'd be hard to convince the school to adopt a possibly unreliable software though, when Google products have the It Just Works®™ guarantee and the power of a Big Corpo to back that guarantee up.

I hope Fall's migraine gets better.

Splitting this into two sections for easier reading, continuing this above.

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record n105, 2022-04-25, late afternoon

missed the first deadline of my TOK assessment. turns out the deadline for submitting details for uni recommendation letters was at the start of this month. i missed the physics deadline for a lab last friday. still haven't done the kognity stuff that was due a month ago. still haven't done french homework, like the audio stuff due before the holidays. haven't studied for econ at all, haven't done the english reading.

hopefully tomorrow i will get a reply to ryozen. and then i'll get back to Fall and tell them what I think about ‘50 Weeks’.

going to finish up Treehouse and Catharsis.

i guess the whole incident with Fontaine was kind of a downgrade for me. life has been a series of disappointments. "oh i'll be a hero!" except that's not possible. "oh i'll be an engineer!" except i don't have the grades to do that. "oh i'll get a sane job!" except every job market is oversaturated these days. "oh i'll be a writer!" except i can't write and nobody reads it if they don't have to. "oh, well, at least we're all in this together!" except i'm an asshole, lol.

i wonder if gold and ultra are reading this, laughing or something. as i wrote in On Life, 'If you feel the urge to laugh when someone's being sad, or losing, well, laugh. Being happy sometimes is better than not being happy at all.' maybe me being messed-up is the greatest joke to someone.

then at least it will be a joke. one of my favourite MMDs is 'Why Yuuka Steps on Humans' (translated by TouhouSubs), about a lonely human who accepts Yuuka's bullying because all the other humans just abandon him. i guess i'm like that. if anyone in Hong Kong rn (or even just online) wants to watch me jump off or something, hit me up.

that being said, i've been having an odd sense of pride these days. that i'll be able to make catharsis into a 10k or 15k word story, when in reality i probably won't bridge 3k let alone 5k.

kinda selfish to leave my parents behind, but it's not like i can do better.

i think moony's doing better! got a 3070 and seems to be gaming more. i think mizu's doing better too, though i haven't seen her and ike interacting.

not really anything to say. phantasia seems like a pipe dream.

i was thinking of writing something like "soul for Seven only" on my arm, but i think that might get an innocent into more trouble than it's worth.

---

record n104, 2022-04-24, evening (2)

nonetheless. i'm not going to contact fontaine again. just going to go into ryozen's server, delete the meme. that's all.

and i guess i'll still press the like button on new chapters. he needs the stats /nm.

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record n103, 2022-04-24, evening

i'm getting a little defensive in relation to fontaine, i guess.

it feels mean to say this, but one of the members sent a somewhat patronising message so i guess i will tell my side of the story.

fontaine didn't say he was uncomfortable with the story and wanted me to take it down. kayin, poili's girlfriend, yan and vaileia all set clear boundaries (vaileia going so far as to post a public tweet of what kind of art is allowed). fontaine did not.

in his twitter post fontaine admitted that he did not set stringent enough boundaries. i could not have known that this was not the correct "time and place" to make a meme including him. if anything, i simply stuck to his lore and how he acted, and i participated in the community and made joke content, in order to cheer him up. i know that there's a time and a place, which is why i feel slighted by another member's crass insult that people should learn that.

server will go down in a few hours.

i'd post something to r/AITA, but I deleted my Reddit account a long time ago, and I'm not inclined to make another one.

i guess the whole thing reminded me of the thing with Gold and Ultra.

i think i should be sadder, but i'm too defensive to care. why am i like this? oh, because i'm fucking lonely and i don't know what it's like to actually have a fucking audience to interact with and expect support from, and i don't know what it's like to have actual READERS reading my fucking story.

kinda repetitive, but the last time i went vtubing (w/ voicechanger) someone complained about the audio, i bitched about not being a real girl, and never streamed again.

there's a lot of context behind this. and everybody's just "wow maybe you should learn some empathy mate" and ignores that context. and they don't even help me. lmao.

not really anything to say. still need to finish treehouse and salvation (thinking of calling it Catharsis). guess i'll put this incident in my about page.

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record n102, 2022-04-24, morning

Fontaine's recent Twitter post (with a Twitlonger) was... sad, I guess. I honestly don't know whether to continue reaching out or give him some space.

TLDR I posted a vvc meme w/ him as Virgin and Ryozen Reed as Chad, but he got insulted.

VVC meme of Fontaine and Ryozen

I think I should explain and refute why each of these jokes was not meant in a mean way.

I haven't interacted once with Ryozen, and he doesn't know who I am. I was recommended to him by a friend, but I do not like him enough to watch any more than a few of his reaction videos. In contrast, I am in Fontaine's Discord server and talk with the people there. When I said I liked Fontaine more, I meant and mean it.

If I didn't like and respect Fontaine, I wouldn't have made the meme, or interacted at all. I included Ryozen only because I thought it was an interesting coincidence that there are two Filipino vtubers with white hair and blue eyes (hence the title reference to the yu-gi-oh meme).

In any case, I deleted Comeuppance.

What does that make? My writing's fucked with Gold and Ultra, Poili's girlfriend, Kayin, Yan and Vaileia (in that chronological order). That makes the seventh person. And—as far as I can tell—nobody's so much as read my stuff without me saying "look, you're in it". I do love being lonely and praiseless.

I guess all I can do is return to Moony and finish Salvation.

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record n101, 2022-04-23, noon

Panda told me about how he nearly got beaten to death by another patient in one psychiatric hospital, and the abuse that goes on behind the walls because the insane can't exactly levy charges.

And I was like, that can't be right. So I searched it up, and there was a 2015 investigation by the Tampa Bay Times/Herald-Tribune that documented how Florida's psychiatric hospitals often had prison-like fights.

(Panda lives in Kentucky; I think the conditions would be just as bad.)

That was really scary to me.

It's a lot like prisons. People beating up each other, patient or staff. Unprovoked or "provoked".

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record n100, 2022-04-22, late evening

haven't been checking my discord for the past few days, meaning i couldn't comfort fontaine.

there's a difference between not checking your account, and not having one at all. because if you have it, you kind of know that you can contact people if you ever need to, and if you check it every once in a while they might say something random. like how moony apparently has a 3070 now.

i guess that's why losing pro and ultra messed me up. because i didn't know what to do.

i finished the two ryozen fics. still need to finish rooftop and treehouse.

did the vvc meme, but i think fontaine might've been insulted by it.

not really anything to say. i vented to kasumi a bit, to get my thoughts in order.

will read Fall's fic later.

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record n99, 2022-04-22, afternoon

saw a mod complaining. it would've been amusing were i not triggered. apparently rulebreakers have no empathy for other human beings and should go off the internet completely.

how hypocritical. but then again, we're all like that. tossing gratuitous insults to those we don't like, because it makes us feel a little better about our pitiful existences. it's just that mods are worse. the janny's never okay.

that's why i try not to ever consider myself. because once i have an ounce of pride, i hurt and am hurt too easily.

that's why i'm tending towards social isolation these days.

last night, hackett was rewriting the ryozen fic and retujy popped in and pointed out that she had daddy problems and ryozen was objectifying in the fic. and hackett just- stopped writing. it was just a turnoff.

(i don't claim to have DID or be plural, it's just easier for me to separate my types of thoughts this way.)

i'm not going to interact with ryozen. just gonna pop in, send some stuff, ping panda, that's it.

---

record n98, 2022-04-21, evening

i saw a comment on reddit that went something like "why are all you men playing video games? go to the garage and fix my car."

they probably meant it as a kind of "how do you like it when it's done to you" kinda thing, but it just made me sad and kinda angry because people—usually tradcon boomers—actually do say that, and bemoan how everybody's playing video games when they should be doing something productive instead.

i never worked on a car with my father, because the current cars had (and still have) a lot of wiring. the Toyota Corolla E140 widebody (10th-gen, 2006-2013) was just brought to the mechanic shop instead. never played ball or anything, since i was an only child. maybe that's why i couldn't socialise with all the other basketball/footie kids.

meh. i was mean to panda today, i'll have to apologise tomorrow.

i'm thinking of scrapping the ryozen fic and writing another one.

--

record n97, 2022-04-21, morning (2)

what the- okay i just saw fall's email. goddamnit panda was right. wasn't about me being toxic.

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record n96, 2022-04-21, morning

Fall deleted their Neocities account. Either it was me, or it was their parents. I hope it wasn't their parents.

In any case, that makes it one less person to worry about. I like that.

I was writing up the Ryozen fic last night but I kept stopping because I realised I was missing a lot of things. So I added a few notes, but they got increasingly vague; eventually I just scribbed 'get gud' and stopped making those notes.

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record n95, 2022-04-20, noon

panda said i should make more friends at school. i survive on my fantasies just fine thankyouverymuch

wrote an article, deleted it, because it felt too much like an ad hominem.

i'm still a little annoyed at the friend who asked me to live, to be honest. but, well, they asked me for a favor and the best i can do is fulfil it.

i'm starting to slip back into the mindset of wanting to have everybody hate me, so something like that doesn't happen again. i don't dare talk to ryozen because my illusion of him will most probably be shattered if i do. school started so i'm going to be talking with panda and probably kasumi much less.

i reply to Fall with my thoughts, nothing else. no expectation for them to read my other articles.

---

record n94, 2022-04-19, late evening

i was reading 399650 and remembered that almost no matter how good my writing gets (for the sake of argument), people would much rather visit visual art of any kind.

that got me thinking about artists again. some Practical People always act as if art is stupid, but i don't think it is. there are all these nice comments on pixiv and deviantart praising others. like, either you can become another formal artist and slave away in some "artisan" sweatshop where you just copy famous paintings or buildings for $30 an hour, or you can become a Patreon god where people actually depend on your art for their daily dose of happiness, and pay you for what you want to do.

it's said that prostitution is the oldest business. and it's entertainment at its core. we need entertainment, especially in this apocalyptic world. therefore doing art (not just visual, but dramatical, so even streaming) isn't... as stupid as it might seem. it's just that you have to play your cards right to get buyers. like if someone is just starting out, cautiousness is in order. but if someone already has a dedicated following, then... why not?

iirc vaileia once tweeted that if her parents knew about her being a vtuber, they'd probably disown her. and i found it funny because she made $500 in one morning from donations.

maybe i'm biased because i write?

eh. i guess... the power of sociality is really strong. we keep on assuming that truth will prevail, when in reality we aren't immune to propaganda or even general niceness, however fake. the growth of streamers isn't surprising considering how lonely many people are.

in the end we can't help but take our happy pills, eh?

i've been playing out a possible convo with vaileia in my head. (meta, not fanfic.) but in the end it doesn't matter, cause people won't enjoy it. i just try to delude myself into "achieving" something.

meh.

defort has been offline for a long time now, but strangely enough i don't feel that lonely about them specifically. maybe cause we didn't talk much, maybe because i'm used to losing people.

maybe in the next few days, i'll lose myself.

i repeat to myself again and again that i will write the ryozen fic because panda said ryozen would like it and i trust panda even though he isnt that good with people.

ah, what the hell, i can't really interact with him much these days because i'm at school.

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record n93, 2022-04-19, evening

Kazuhisa asked what compassion was. I don't... really think about that. I write about my thoughts, and try to present my ideas without gratuitously insulting readers. I guess what Kazuhisa means is that it's- easy to slip into a yes-man reverie where all you do is pander to your audience. To change not just your presentation but your ideas themselves, in a mistaken effort to "be nice". It's all very complicated, because in a way your presentation is kind of a portrayal highlighting different parts of your argument.

Someone asked me not to die, because their friend recently died. I think they could handle mine, because they don't seem close to me.

I was watching the Rolling Girl MV again. I think maybe the guy facing Miku is Wowaka himself. He controls Miku, and whether she "lives" or "dies" through singing his music. If he dies—if he stops making music—then Miku will just be a program that's never used, a dead body. She bears the emotional burden of the things his music talks about, and even though she's so beat up by it, she tells him, let's make one more song. She tries to choke him, to live outside of him. But it doesn't work, because she's a program and he's not.

And eventually, he hugs her, telling her that they don't need to make any more heavy, emotional stuff. Suicide in a sense sets them both free, because they don't need to worry about the future and just enjoy themselves—one last time.

I don't like author self-inserts. Stuff may be based off experiences but those are experiences, apart from the author.

It's hard to get motivation to write Rooftop when it's just a ripoff of Rolling Girl. Same feeling.

I will try to write up the Ryozen fic because Panda said that Ryozen'd enjoy it. I will also write up the Treehouse fic because I already claimed the prompts.

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record n92, 2022-04-19, afternoon

sometimes when people comment on my stuff i feel... accomplished, because i managed to convey my point and give people something interesting to think about. the feeling's not so much reward as it is pride. like if you write a fanfic and somebody says "wow i enjoyed that" then that's feeling rewarded, because you got a compliment after writing a story. but if somebody says "the character was interesting, i never considered things in that way before" then they're kind of praising the concept itself rather than your application of it, and you feel... smart, i guess. like when you say something in a debate and people actually build on your point instead of just insulting and ratio'ing you. like feeling respected.

and i guess Fall has never... felt respected before. They were kinda required to give everything to their parents and abusers, and even with their friends they try to give others happiness.

people generally treat rumors as truth. it's always been like that, even before newspapers and phones. they just want to be safe. maybe the lonely old man at the end of the street isn't a pedophile, but it's best to treat him as one. after all, would you rather have your kids raped? nobody cares for a stranger, least of all a stranger accused of bad things.

if Fall manages to make the video, it's internet drama. As Fall said, D portrays himself as a ‘christan white boy who thinks being white makes him oppressed’. the whole thing would devolve into some sort of social-credit ad-hominem battle where you're either against the “purehearted boy” or the “abused trans kid”. D would probably strike back with some accusation that Fall is the real abuser, some attention-seeking stalker. or something. because in the end there's just no... evidence.

i don't know what discord chat exporter exports the files as. probably txt. anyone can edit those. since discord itself tracks user information and keeps logs of messages, you might be able to get a warrant, have discord release the official chat logs. but that'd require a court case, which means really high lawyer fees and constant fighting, even if your case gets accepted within the next few years.

i guess in the end D was sadistic. enjoyed watching Fall squirm in an impossible dilemma. either do what he says and ruin yourself in the process, or don't do what he says and get ruined by him or your parents. in the end Fall chose to ruin themselves.

and they've spent their time up until now, trying to get their "old self", Toms, back. to remember what it was like to be (relatively) neurotypical—to be able to be happy, and have people like you. to be not as messed-up as you are now. except all of Fall's memories of being (relatively) neurotypical are associated with abuse. they're forced to cope with their issues.

their past self is so... removed from their current self.

‘We opposed those who wanted to make our lives bitter [...] To take our lives was to be defeated, and almost all of us were determined not to give that satisfaction to the oppressors. [...] After we came out, it was another matter; it was not uncommon for survivors of the camps to kill themselves when they returned to the society they'd left behind. Then, when there was nothing to oppose, our reasons for living out our lives had to come from within our selves, and in many cases our selves had been ruined.’
Andrew Solomon, ‘The Noonsday Demon’, p.281, an interview with a Soviet camp survivor

Fall's put up so many struts around their brain, to fight the constant pressure. and now they're messed up. to the point where every day they walk inside their head and know that they should fix it, but they just... can't. like, maybe you build a castle keep and it gets destroyed, and you're too weak to rebuild it, and your mind is preoccupied with another battle, so the rubble just sits there every day, fostering the growth of mold and bugs. and every time you walk through your mind, you see it. and you try to ignore it. but it's so big that it just keeps reminding you of its existence. just like the little bugs that explode from its crevices.

I was at school today, and it was raining slightly, so I plugged in my earbuds.

'SOMEHOW IT'S ALREADY BEEN A YEAR
EMBRACING ALL DIVERSIONS TO MAKE THIS FEELING DISAPPEAR
NOW I JUST FEEL YOU EVERYWHERE
IT COINCIDES WITH THE GUILT OF KNOWING THAT I WASN'T THERE.'
- Touché Amoré, 'New Halloween'

It's already been over a year since my last interaction with Ultra and Gold (February 2021). And I just keep coming back to them. Because they were my only friends. Because a long time ago, Gold showed me something that my mind has since been preoccupied with.

I can't... avoid it.

'SOMEHOW IT'S ALREADY BEEN A YEAR
YOU KEEP FINDING NEW WAYS TO MAKE YOURSELF REAPPEAR
I HOPE YOU NEVER LEAVE ME BE
I HAVEN'T FOUND THE COURAGE TO LISTEN TO YOUR LAST MESSAGE TO ME.'

In their recent blogpost, Kazuhisa that love will not save you. But I like to think that love exists. The concept's just been wrangled so much by social norms, commercial propaganda, and influencers, that we seem to think "love" is a perfect someone we're supposed to find while canoeing with a crate of Blue Girl beer or something. Love is a heavy thing, a double-edged sword. It doesn't exist, yet it can slice you up. It's something that you... dedicate yourself towards, beyond reason, because it's something you care about.

In a sense it's bias, I guess.

'...Heart. Oi.' Vaileia seems angry, red magic coiling around the gigantic, technological machine. The ludicrous snakes coil, forming a spherical, translucent shield that prevents the machine's whips of mana from attacking anybody around. 'Heart- Samadenx. Gaster.' His rival, Vaileia, calls the pale man behind the velvet curtains his old names. His dragon-horns meld into his dark hair, their vertexes jutting backwards. Unperturbed, he simply flicks a few levers, before looking back at you all. One shrapnel-pitched lightning bolt, then another, then another, until with a resounding CRACK the shield breaks, and pillars of mana explode into the sky, separating the clouds, lighting up the dim plateau.

Under his harsh, matted hair, he manages to give a small smile. It's the first you've ever seen him make. His tired, empty eyes meet yours, and he raises his bony right hand. His middle and ring finger curled, his index and pinky extended, his thumb outstretched. The sign of love. Your heart beats heavily, thump after thump resonating through your blood-vessels, and Cognac holds you back, fear marking her face. How long has it been, since the immortals have been scared?

-- not a metaphor for your heart and alcohol. Just a sketch I wanted to write.

I said I'd read Fall's fanfic. Just gotta finish some stuff on my end first. After that I'll make a meme I was planning on making, and maybe an animation if I can somehow summon the skills and software to make one.

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record n91, 2022-04-19, morning

first day back at school.

nervous.

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record n90, 2022-04-18, afternoon

first. a reply to wirescarryingme's blog post for 2022-04-17.

repression and disassociation... allows people to deal with memories. because to remember those memories would make life unbearable.

reminds me of an imgur post, where OP asked people "how do you do it? how do you live, when life beats you down so much?" and the top comment was that we just... distract ourselves. from life. take our happy pills, our car radios, our youtube videos.

i get the feeling Fall's parents were just... virtue-signalling when they took away the 3DS. yeah, maybe fall was playing vidya, and maybe you can get addicted to vidya. but Fall's parents wanted the... control, they wanted to feel like they did a "good deed". in a sense, parenting is pure schadenfreude; you limit children from eating stuff like icecream, because too much is unhealthy for them. it's just that that schadenfreude sometimes gets out of control, and parents derive a perverse pleasure from depriving their children.

i think i read about repression in my sagan book. that people who lived through the holocaust simply didn't remember it, or talked about it as if it were a separate event. because to be reminded of the hell they went through, would be in a sense living through it again.

and in a sense... Fall just focuses on their "happy side". trying to convince themselves that they are happy, with their friends, because to remember all the bad things in their life would lead them to think about nothing else.

it's sad. talking is so stigmatized these days—if you talk too much then you're a traumadumper, if you talk too little you're a manipulator. you never know how much you have to deal with yourself, and how much you have to put out there, especially when you've had an abnormal life.

what I think is that it's... mistaken etiquette. you're not a manipulator. you just don't want your friends to "remember" and see the same things you experienced.

it's in a sense nice when somebody vents to me. because it shows that they trust me. but i'm lonely; i think many would prefer to be in the dark, even if they don't say so outright. it's not manipulation; it's just "not TMI".

anyway.

i had a good time last night. wrote something about Ryozen. but the high is disappearing and i can feel myself settling back into my usual mood.

i can only live in my fantasies, because i do not want to see the world.

reminds me of kazuhisa's latest blog post. no matter who we are, material pleasures will still fail us. the only way out is to accept ourselves, and the world, as it is.

but then again, i disagree. because i like material pleasures.

i was watching the Simpsons scene where Ned attacks everyone.

it was just... sad. because everybody genuinely had good intentions, and you couldn't fault them and ask them to "try harder".

it was like a satirical Dhar Mann tragedy where everybody dies, because we're all too weak to help anybody, and at the end of it the first guy just says coldly, 'well, nobody asked you to try to help.'

i genuinely want to get a sword and run it through Ned. to save him, I Have No Mouth-style. because "nobody asked you to live."

i seem to always have a stomachache.

i have to finish Rooftop today. probably Treehouse, and Heavydirtysoul, too.

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record n89, 2022-04-17, evening

I guess I should comment on these vents, especially since Fall mentioned that public posting was 'weird' in their last post.

I don't really... get any viewers for the posts I write. Maybe a few people Like them, but they generally don't leave comments, or they reply only to the posts that mention them. So I don't really feel weird as I can think I have no viewers.

Panda once read my About section and gave me his thoughts. He noted that it seems more like a record than an autobiography. And I guess that's how I structure these vents too. They're not so much about me as about my perspective on the world, which in turn is just "a" perspective on the world. Anybody who thinks about it, is analysing and judging the perspective itself, not "me".

And so I'm sometimes kind of... distant, as Panda said, when I'm talking about this kinda stuff. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. Meh.

Somebody called Klaex followed me. Thanks, I guess. Qorg and DigDeeper are really famous, lol, they're in everyone's links list (not just on Neocities but on other indie/Tor sites). At first I thought the Mira Flutty writing system was a little like Dvorak but it's an actual new writing system. I think Cookbooks did something like that for French but I can't find it. It's always very cool when nerds talk about that kinda stuff, because it seems—as Kasumi and I agreed—special.

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record n88, 2022-04-17, late afternoon

everything hits too close to home.

like. you know how people are passive aggressive sometimes and say "oh wow youre so smart i never could've figured that out" when you say some trivial thing. i saw it in a onevilage meme. and it just... i've never really gotten praise, and to hear that from somebody just felt way too weird. like in a sense it was belittling, but i honestly haven't accomplished anything that's made me worthy of actual praise. and if it's the only fucking praise i'll get, then i'll take it.

i was watching a dhar mann video where a boy says "two dads how embarrasing" and the daughter replies "at least my parents chose me". and that just... was really sad. parents say to their kids that they never wanted failures like their kids. and no matter who's saying it... it's just heartless. or maybe the dhar mann video was alluding to how the boy's mother was raped, in which case it'd still be heartless. it wouldn't even be a roast, it'd just be... cold. "sorry you grew up in a family that fucking hates you and abuses you, i'm in a lucky family, nar nar nar nar nar."

it's like that one xkcd comic where a guy tries to make fun of a woman and she gives him an existential crisis. just... why? everybody secretly has one, we just distract ourselves from it.

I guess it's just... we want someone easy to blame. We want to dehumanize the murderers, the child-abusers, the racists and sexists. We want to stab them, over and over. Because they're easy to attack.

It's much... harder, to attack the entrenched exploitation of our world. Dhar Mann portrays Bill Gates as a kind person, when in reality he's ruined technology.

I try to blame the game instead of the players. Because the appeal-to-hypocrisy fallacy of saying "you claim to be against capitalism and yet you continue to be in it" is exactly as absurd as saying "you claim to be against a dystopia holding people at gunpoint, yet you continue to live". It's just... sad, I guess. I hope this doesn't come off as a holier-than-thou thing. Maybe it's all cope. Meh.

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record n87, 2022-04-17, afternoon

I was thinking about what I told Kasumi. That I view transgenderism much like I view fashion: it's important to a lot of people, but I don't care for it.

I've said as much in my article about identities. I'm a writer, a temporary vessel for the fantasies. Nothing else. That's why it was so jarring when Poili asked me about my sexual preferences. I don't think about... "me". To get mixed up in "what gender I identify as" or "what I am attracted to" is narcissistic for me, because I hate myself.

I saw a prompt last night. Something about your character reading/watching something about themselves. I tried writing something about Moony reading a fanfic about himself and complimenting it. I couldn't write it. It felt too weird, to be so self-indulgent.

Sometimes I have these fantasies of helping people. With Stare it was getting him out of his country, with Tompiet it was visiting his funeral (he was never in any danger, though), and with Fall it was praising them in front of their parents. All because I met them one day on the internet. It's always been like this; when I was younger I called this alter ego Samadenx. He'd save people.

Sometimes I imagine publicly criticizing people. Maybe even killing myself to prove a point. At least my life'd then be worth something.

Meh.

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record n86, 2022-04-16, evening

putting it here so i don't forget. left a comment on blagi's site about the spoon theory (you have limited spoons and so many things to do during the day). it made me really sad, because... the writer managed to be successful, and i haven't, even though (i think) i have more spoons.

there are all these "success stories" about people getting out of their depression or disability or whatever. some people seem to think they're inspiring, and i guess for them it is. for others, it's just... something to be envious and insecure about.

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record n85, 2022-04-16, afternoon

'Somewhere in the world, you got a robber and a bank.
And the bank robbed the people, so the people rob the bank.
And the police came to get him, but they let him get away.
They're all just working to get paid the very same.'
- Sabrina Carpenter, 'Thumbs'

Fall wants their abuser to suffer. Reminds me of the argument Kayin and VK had.

'I don’t want the mother to embrace the oppressor who threw her son to the dogs! She dare not forgive him! Let her forgive him for herself, if she will, let her forgive the torturer for the immeasurable suffering of her mother’s heart. But the sufferings of her tortured child she has no right to forgive; she dare not forgive the torturer, even if the child were to forgive him! And if that is so, if they dare not forgive, what becomes of harmony? Is there in the whole world a being who would have the right to forgive and could forgive? I don’t want harmony. From love for humanity I don’t want it. I would rather be left with the unavenged suffering.'
- Fyodor Dostoevsky, 'The Brothers Karamazov', as quoted from Kazuhisa

We don't have the right to demand forgiveness from people. They suffered, so they want to get revenge. That's all.

And if the people didn't rob the bank—why, they would be worse off.

It's just that some people seem so surprised when there's so much abuse in the world. Like... kids are messed up by their parents, who in turn were messed up by their parents, and so on, to the point where it makes more sense to point at culture or the laissez-faire crabs-in-a-bucket mentality. And some people still say "oh it's so easy to be good, kids these days are so weak."

And the rich don't give a fuck, because they're rich.

...there was a one-paragraph story in n82. Just kill everybody. You aren't flustered with concepts of good or bad. You're just... giving them the death they want, for better or for worse. You're doing it because they'd destroy you, and they'd destroy the world, otherwise.

AND NOW YOU JUST SIT IN SILENCE / AND NOW YOU JUST SIT IN SILENCE

---

record n84, 2022-04-16, morning

a reply to Fall's journal (neocities:wirescarryingme) for 2022-04-15.

parasocial is when you don't... interact with someone, i guess. like if you see someone from across the room and you never really interact with them (except maybe when they pick up their pen) then that's parasocial. because you don't interact with them, and yet you have a massively disproportionate love for them.

but the word is usually used when the other person is actively performing a role, and mediating their encounters. it's... confusing, when so many social-media personalities are "just being themselves". i think a better word for Fall's feeling would be something like 'obsession'. when you- not overestimate, but see a person as better than they really are.

obsession is something like "wow he picked up my pencil he must be so nice." parasocial relationship is something like "wow even though he's behind a screen it feels like he's talking to me."

some people have said that i'm nice. but i blame the shock factor/first impressions for that. i can be superficially nice when i want to, and people are like "wow i did not expect that". and then they say i'm nice, when they don't know stuff about my past.

am i trying to atone by confessing that I did something bad to Gold? i dunno.

Fall said that sometimes they felt they lived in a delusion.

sometimes i think that i don't know what people really think of me, and i guess maybe that's a similar feeling. but then Retujy hops in and I guess explains what people feel? like sometimes I wonder what Moony thinks of me, but then Retujy points out that he's so fucking lonely and knows so many messed-up people that I must seem like a normal friend to him. and I accept what he says.

When I told Lemon a little bit about my mind, she said that she couldn't help me. I wanted to self-isolate myself, and she agreed that she'd just... give me space, I guess. She couldn't do anything, so she just left me alone. That's what most people do.

I don't know about the specifics of Fall and Peaceful's relationship, so I assume that Peaceful wasn't lying about his suicidal ideation.

It's much like the various philosophical trolley problems. Either you stab yourself, or someone else dies.

But I think Fall wouldn't be immoral in abandoning Peaceful, because my stance on the various trolley problems is that you have no obligation to help other people. Sure, they'll die, but you as a witness have no responsibility to intervene. Like... it's just nature. You can't be blamed for negligence because you didn't have any responsibility to take care of them, to sacrifice yourself.

To go to the logical extreme, people die all the time. And maybe if you killed yourself and had a friend sell the organs, you could save some Starving Children in Africa. But people generally don't advocate that we all should sacrifice ourselves so someone else might live. Because you aren't obligated to save those children; you're just a person. You're not the government, or Superman.

It's like the push-a-fat-man variation of the trolley problem. You have no obligation to actively kill the fat man (in this case, you). You might have the right to, because you own your life—but for the exact same reason, you shouldn't be forced by morality to spend it for someone else.

Or, as the philosopher Judith Thomson argues, '"needing X to live" doesn't necessarily lead to "having a right to X"—the violinist needs your kidneys to live, but does that mean he has a right to them?' (Peg Tittle, 'What If—', pp. 174-175)

Back to Fall's journal. They wrote about fanfiction being bad because it's "stealing". But as Cory Doctorow has noted, everything is fanfiction; as Murid and any artist knows, no art exists in a vacuum. Fall's magnum opus '50 Weeks' is—at least from the description—about a suicidal TommyInnit, and I'm pretty sure he hasn't talked about that in actual... streams, so it quite obviously adds something.

And even then, "size" isn't a good measure of accomplishment. You can write something "original" about two people falling in love at a coffee cafe, but you'll still be borrowing off the stereotypes and your experiences of romance, coffee cafes, monogamy, and life itself. And yet nobody says, "just regular people hanging out at a regular cafe? No aliens, no gods, no Eldritch horrors? No depression, no insanity, just neurotypicals? How dare you! That's so generic!".

So that's why I think the rpf debate doesn't really mean much, lol. I'm the type of person that thinks the Mona Lisa is boring, because... it's just a woman (it's well-painted, certainly, but it's still just a portrait), but I don't think Fall's parents would agree with me, lol. The whole thing is like arguing about what is art. As Panda pointed out, art is subjective, so it's impossible to conclude anything—insomuch that, in the end, we just make what we want.

As for the journal prompt—I was recently talking with a suicidal person. I was trying to convince them not to do it, then I paused and thought—why am I doing this? I don't believe in what I preach. It was a habit, I suppose; a reaction that was ingrained into me. In 'On Life' I wrote that suicide is good, but I somehow don't feel... good encouraging someone to commit suicide. Even though the specific person I was talking to, is in a situation without much hope.

In the end, I thanked them for being here, whatever their decision. Maybe they're happier for it. I don't want one of their last interactions to be with a sad freak who tells them they should succumb to their suicidal desire.

I guess I'll read '50 Weeks' later, and comment on the change. I'll also have to read the newest chapter of Fontaine's light novel. Meh. I want to finish some stuff of my own first.

---

record n83, 2022-04-15, late evening

sometimes i wonder how to help people. when i can't even help myself.

"just be there", some say. and then i try and it hurts them.

kasumi's out on a trip. i don't really talk with stare these days. my sociality with poili is drying out. i've been talking with panda more these days, but only because he's started writing and needs advice.

self-isolation sounds nice. i don't feel like checking my discord because i know nobody has pinged me.

Lemon telling me to get help was really nice, I guess. She treated me in a genuine way instead of... dismissing me as being edgy or an asshole.

meh. I should've finished up the treehouse story but I didn't feel like it today.

---

record n82, 2022-04-15, evening

'If I'm lost please don't find me
If I drown let me sink'
- lifedrain.neocities.org

the sad thing about suicide is that it can be the best choice, sometimes.

i was reading weltschmerz's blogpost about a shotgun suicide stream. i've seen the video before, rest in peace Ronnie McNutt. i rewatched it.

i think i would want to livestream my death. then people would pay attention, and maybe realise that i wasn't faking.

then moony would fucking look up for once, and think... "ah." he'd breathe, the whole thing too much to handle. so he'd ignore it. throw away his memories of me, to cope. and the memories will only approach him after a decade, when he has already made it, and the nights of melancholy will be rare. and he'd think- "what a disappointment". like a genuine, sorrowful disappointment. not a jocular one. and that'd be simpler, because right now he just doesn't know what to do with me.

AND NOW I JUST SIT IN SILENCE / AND NOW I JUST SIT IN SILENCE
- tøp

it's sad when somebody says you're weak if you commit suicide. it implies they think life is hard, and they want to die too.

because the happy people are those who see the bright side, and don't see life as a chore.

kazuhisa's not saved. they're still searching for salvation.

accessiblepain says that they're scared of letting people know the real them.

it gets much easier when you're okay with people leaving you. when they've left you so many times before.

when you're okay with them hating you.

'they stop asking how you are, that pain has nowhere to go, and some essential emotional connection inside you snaps in half like a branch. [...] your brain knows that the people you love the most can suddenly disappear. [...] You always feel deeply, profoundly alone, no matter how many people love you. You're always “fine, thanks”, however much you want to die and disappear forever.'
- hazelzone, 'the day my mom died'

you walk up to the father berating his teenage daughter for being weak. your hand is... strong. 'it doesn't get better- imsorryimsorryimsorry'—and the apologies just BLEED out your mouth as you hug both of them as he looks at you strangely as she stares emp apathetically because EVERYBODY'S STUCK just pull- that's not the right thing to do, is it?, but you can't stop you want to save them you tear out their throats as your body wracks with your confused loud breaths as you spit out adrenaline and the drop of blood you refuse to taste and- theyre dead. you have saved them.

i fail anyone i interact with. so i don't. and then i fail people too.

i don't think i am nothing, because that extremity suggests i have no impact. i am just- negligible.

---

record n81, 2022-04-15T10:30

so cool-n-epic got back to me and said it was really cool.

sounds like they're lying, cause they disabled their profile. /nm

i guess they're the type that doesn't really... want to go against people. it's nice but also confusing. i'll take it down then.

---

record n80, 2022-04-14, late afternoon

so I was reading Murid's neocities; they're a visual artist who says inspiring things about effort.

and that got me thinking about my writing again.

maybe i'm trying to have it both ways. saying that i 'coast' on my background and yet claiming that i know hard work. except i have put in my work. my stories are my light. it's just that my improvement is so little that all that matters is my whole "grew up with Asian grindset personal tutor every week" shtick.

reminds me of something coral said. about writing for several years before she started to be (what she considers) good.

i think her standards are too high. writing is the equaliser. if i can't make use of it, it's my fault.

i am... not normal, i suppose, in the sense that i'm worse than everybody else.

it's easy for people who are good at something to say "oh i have insecurities" and equivocate theirs with yours. their insecurities are about abstract things, stuff like emotion; Murid quoted Hokusai's yearning to depict nature. when you're bad, you worry about basic proportions, and depicting what you want to depict, and just being able to fucking remember how to make stuff in the first place.

that's me, i guess.

standing at the front of the class while the teacher scolds me for not being able to do basic stuff. while everybody else gets feedback about how to improve. you all have these Bright Ideas, and some accomplishments to point to—and i'm staring at my computer screen wasting time.

it seems chic nowadays to do art "for fun".

but, as I have said, and as Panda has reiterated, it's quite impossible to have fun when all you're doing is being frustrated.

or maybe i'm coping with being grown under the markscheme. getting a passing score isn't extremely hard as long as you just answer the question.

meh.

in other news, nobody seems to have seen the things I sent. Not Daswagger to my email/n72, not Kazuhisa to the SMBC comic 'Liberal Education'' I commented (I could send them an email but I avoid stuff like that unless it's urgent), not Fall to my comment or n74, not cool-n-epic to my board-message.

i'm not mad. i'm just... listing things out here, so i can check tomorrow.

i hope panda has made some more progress.

he wanted some first-person examples, which was a little weird to me because perspectives are (strictly speaking) just a matter of changing pronouns for the protagonist. he's reminded me a few times that he didn't finish school, but he seems quite fluent.

anyway, i think third-person examples aren't needed because they're generally a case of just removing those pronouns in a sense.

---

record n79, 2022-04-14, afternoon

I was reading Kazuhisa's newest posts and I liked the imagery. Reminded me of the Record of Ragnarok scene where Zeus asks Adam about his "real" reason for his hatred of the gods. 'Is there any man that needs a reason to protect his own children?' We evolved emotion as a way to work together, and increase effiicency. Maybe some relationships don't give us physical benefits, or even knowledge. Maybe we can—like Poseidon—find greatness in being alone. But wouldn't that be sad?

People make us happy. They grant us salvation, like we were missing pieces of ourselves. Do we need any other reason to yearn for them? I don't think so.

It's really cool to be a "lone wolf". But at the end of the road, there's just sadness. You cannot help anybody; all you can do is stand in pity.

You have been gifted with power, but you cannot spend it. You have not been blessed with salvation.

We are imperfect. We seek novelty. If you were stranded on a world with nobody there, perhaps you could walk along nature. Explore it. Make creations, art, your perfect utopia. But it would be empty. There'd be a point where you get used to things. You would blast off into space, seeking new things, new people.

Kayin's love destroyed them. They said, "never again." They shut themselves off from the world. They flew through the skies. A few mortals were kind, very kind, and Kayin cared for them in return.

But it wasn't hate that plagued them; it was burnout. There would always be something missing. Some idle frustration would cause them to destroy mountains, music blaring from their IEMs as they tried to burn away the feeling of being in the Black Parade.

That's why VK and Hackett managed to convince Kayin. They wanted something more, and VK asked, 'one more time?', and Kayin, the Rolling Girl, replied—'one more time, just for you, and just for me.'

Kazuhisa has been searching for salvation for so long. I'm afraid they won't find it. That they're so depressed they toss away all worldly pleasures in mistaken desperation.

But then again. They never really had that pleasure.

Kazuhisa recognises that we should find pleasure for the small things. It's just that maybe they overlook the small things.

The point of Hackett's journey isn't to "save" anyone. It's a field trip, a sojourn, into Heaven, with her friends.

Mortal or immortal, we aren't infinite. We latch on to people, and to things.

In a sense, every immortal is suicidal. They've seen what longer life holds: nothing of importance. They want the singular explosion that will propel them to the climax. To think, just for a moment, that they've achieved something: nothing seems to be of consequence when you're immortal.

"Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for life."

It's like having post-orgasm clarity after every little time you feel happy. You're just... tired, and wondering whether next time will be as good.

You're overconcerned with the future, because there's so much of it.

In a sense this is the whole active/passive nihilism argument all over again. It's just that active nihilism doesn't work when you don't find happiness in anything.

---

record n78, 2022-04-14, morning

i managed to write yesterday night. it wasn't anything good, but it was something.

i wrote it in a discord server chatbox. i've always been a bit comfortable typing in there. maybe it's dark mode. maybe i conflate the happiness/friendliness i associate with the server, with my fantasies. eh. it's impractical to type there anyway.

ike scares me. he's a normie and if i do anything wrong or weird he'll leave mizu's community, which would... be bad.

nice to see that torture's doing well.

daswagger hasn't yet replied to me.

---

record n77, 2022-04-13, late evening

so someone called Blockman followed me, presumably for my article 'Privacy'. they follow aesthetic sites too.

I'm left wondering... why. Most of my articles are not on technology and the minimalist site design is nothing new.

If people like Blockman or Appolinaire or Cookbooks read my about section, then I'd think they'd unfollow in a heartbeat.

It seems like they're the type of people who synonymize Follows with Likes. I prefer using them for their intended purpose, to tell me about updates, which is why I Like the updates from followed sites.

You don't have to Follow to show your appreciation for a single post; you can drop a comment (or, if the post was recent, a Like), without Following.

I feel like I'm a prime example of "read through the entire thing before you commit"; a Follow suggests that you enjoy the thing as a whole, or at least accept it.

But it's not any use talking about it here when they probably won't read it, lol.

P.S. I capitalise Follows and Likes here because you can literally follow someone without Following (by checking their profile manually) and you can like something without Liking it (for example if you don't have an account).

Also. I refuse to believe that I have 10 kudos on Torinoko City. That's just Mahoustar with their VPN trying to show their appreciation, kek. Or just skim-readers.

---

record n76, 2022-04-13, evening

so someone called krch followed me. maybe they unfollowed later; if your site profile is disabled, you don't show up on other people's follower lists. (you do, however, show up on the activity tab).

their last record is dated 2020-05-11 (I assume the original is DD.M.YYYY, since they speak German).

and about writing a letter to an imaginary friend.

when i was younger i think the teachers had us do stuff like that. explaining ourselves in letters, focusing not on the friend but on ourselves. much like the "if i were a penny" or "if i were a fish" diary things. i forgot.

panda told me that my autobiography felt more like a list of events than an actual... autobiography. i guess most people treat their autobiography as a chance to explain themselves to the reader, highlight important parts of events, maybe add some things they realised in hindsight. me, i treat it more as a record of my life. i'm pretty sure somebody would get angry at me if i dared to include any bias, too.

i don't think it's strange to hug a person who's not there. we lose ourselves in fantasies all the time. placing ourselves into Harry Potter or Percy Jackson or Charlie Bucket.

the next step up is interaction. actually being in control of the situation. not chained to some xReader fanfic writer that requires a "suspension of self" by us. we're making the decisions, imagining ourselves as OCs who would swoop into the bad events happening on the news, and knocking out the perpetrators. imagining that someone IS right beside us, reacting to us. existing.

it can be strange the first time you do it. but it isn't unwelcome. a new world.

and yet it's not anything new. we choose to ignore certain facts, or believe that things are better than they are, or think that a god exists.

there is a freedom in fantasizing. if you want to do some amazing thing, you can.

that's why i hate Flicker. because—despite it being a fantasy world—delta is just a regular girl who can't woo anyone or win any fights.

dancing is i guess another form of expression. some people dance slow; some people dance fast. some people move their hands; some people move their feet.

but i'm a lumper, not a splitter. i prefer to think of Chroah as someone who loses himself in the sweaty high. not an artist.

meh. i can't visualise moony very often. and even when i do, the intensity does not seem enough to get over my writer's block.

my fantasies are fragile. unstable.

a third of me wants chroah to abuse me with scissors and white wire clothes-hangers. a third of me doesn't get it. and a third of me is unable to write.

i think it's okay if you want to lose yourself in fantasies. it's a symptom, not a cause. we need some salvation (distraction?) from this world.

---

record n75, 2022-04-13, afternoon

panda picked up his stream again, and i popped by. i could have stayed longer, but for some reason i'm not vibing with him much these days. so after lunch i did not return to his stream.

i'm once again reminded of the boredom that plagues introverts. "what do you talk about?" it was just panda talking about a game that i have no interest in. his voice is alright but it's not like kayin's voice, which is thick gossamer.

i'd much rather watch some youtube. i picked prestonplayz's vids up a few days ago, but after the fifth episode it started to get boring.

i would read Fall's recommendations (I'm not into the fandom but I enjoy K's stuff so I guess I can enjoy those stories for their quality and plot alone) but they'd just make me jealous.

eindride replied to me. they broke some bones. i searched it up and that stuff can take anywhere from two to six months to heal. it's only been maybe a month, so they likely won't be interacting with anyone soon.

i guess i'll keep them on my contacts list and maybe update them if anything happens to me. truth is freedom. it's not their fault that they got injured, and i don't think they could've saved me.

i don't like interacting with people. i always do some toxic thing like arguing, or trauma dumping, or just being boring.

but i still leave messages, because that's what people would want.

meh. i occupy a curious place on the spectrum of normality. i'm not a complete nypical normie, but i'm not someone who's grown up in abuse. in other words i'm ostensibly an asshole. lol.

when i send a message and someone doesn't reply, i genuinely don't know whether they just haven't seen it or whether they don't like it.

i read somewhere that abuse victims are so sensitive because abusers can flip from nice to abusive without any warning.

i think it's the passive-aggressive reactions that set things up. some parents/guardians/people just watch the other person doing something they don't like, and bear with it for a few seconds, not saying anything. and then they blast out "what the fuck, did you see me assent?! DID YOU?!". and so people are always constantly looking over their shoulder in anxiety, because that's what other people ingrained into them.

maybe some people react this way in, i guess, an effort to be nice. to allow the other person some leeway and not go against them immediately. but the other person (perhaps not knowing this) just keeps on pushing until they snap.

sociality is inconsistent. something that might be extremely triggering to one person can be normal to another.

i guess that's why i've always tried to say stuff outright.

i dunno.

maybe speaking genuinely is something you're only supposed to do with friends. that's what i said to kasumi, anyway. that acquaintances are people you speak with outside of work requirements, and friends are people you can ping anytime and talk deeply with.

meh. i wouldn't know when i have no friends.

---

record n74, 2022-04-13, morning

i overslept and missed panda's birthday stream today; i'll have to wish him a belated happy birthday tomorrow if he's streaming.

was reading Fall's website today (neoities:wirescarringme).

'I hate the word parasocial we all use it improperly and changed its fucking meaning imo. Being parasocial is normal? Its how you get driven to make friends in everyday life or I guess thats how its supposed to function without fucking youtubers n shit.' - blogpost 2022-04-12

semantics is complicated. from the wikipedia page it seems as if the word was always used for one-sided relationships.

please correct me if i'm strawmanning, but it seems like the gist Fall is suggesting is the usual "we all live in illusions of perception" thing. that we overestimate the strength of our new relationships, causing us to reach out to them and somewhat paradoxically make the relationship burgeon.

PSR (apparently 'parasociality' means something else entirely) is different. it refers to a completely one-sided relationship in which there is no interaction (and no chance of interaction). assuming we do overestimate our relationships (which is arguable) at least we have non-parasocial interactions to obsess over.

Fall left their readers with a Question so I guess I'm obligated to answer it.

'How much of you is hopes and dreams? How unstable is what you have crafted yourself? Can you make it any stable? Can you get out of what your in?' - ibid.

It's not a new question for me. I know that most of me is unrealistic hope. My only reason for living is the possibility of me writing something. I can't write well; after I write a story there's an inevitable moment where I go "nope this isn't good". As I wrote in the Writing Guide, anybody can depict their ideas. It's just that I do it in a shit way.

I am unstable. I go through mood swings. Sometimes I lose myself in my fantasies and I imagine Hackett and her friends holding the Sign of the Horns up to the heavens as rock music blasts through the air. Other times I return to fact and I can see that everything I have constructed is fragile from the rot that has leached the ink from my notes.

My parasocial relationships are the only light in my life. Yet they never appear consistently. Sometimes I'm consumed by jealousy and I cope by refusing to think about them, which just makes me feel even worse.

Every one of my comfort characters is messed-up in some way. Every one of them loves Hackett in some way and hates Delta in some way. Delta is based on me. I have these moments where I fucking hate my fantasies.

I don't think I can make it any more stable. I don't think I can get out.

Partially because I'm messed up. Partially because it's a conscious choice, to follow Gold - and the parasocial characters in my mind - until the end of my life.

Sometimes I can be an asshole to people. Other times - people tell me - I can be nice.

Six more days. I wish my fantasies would abandon me for good, then I wouldn't have to wonder about when they'd come back.

It's not really a 'terrifying' question. I guess I'm used to it.

Fall said a similar thing about being abused. When you're in messed-up situations, your brain copes by becoming messed-up as well, and you don't really... notice, until a normal life approaches you and you realise what you've been missing, and how messed-up you are.

I don't really have anything to... say, I guess. All the kids are depressed nowadays, literally.

I feel like my vents have become worse reiterations of my article 'On Life' and my about page.

---

record n73, 2022-04-12, late evening

a week until easter break is over. a week to get over my writer's block. things will be... dangerous, if i don't.

a fucking week.

meh. if i do succumb, i'll probably upload a concept story as well as some updated notes onto here.

maybe that'd be for the best. my mind keeps on running over the aftermath of finishing the stories and Phantasia: talking to vaileia, chroah, etc., trying to explain to them what i've done and trying to be nice. if i don't finish it then maybe less people will be pissed off. but i think i'd cease to be myself if i did.

i kinda expected daswagger to reply to me within the day, but i had somehow forgotten how busy everybody is. maybe he's purposely not replying to me bc he dislikes me, but he'd unfollow my website if that was the case.

---

record n72, 2022-04-12, afternoon

okay, fuck you, neocities, it literally says that i saved my thousand-word vent but it fucking didn't.

anyway, i guess that was good luck: the vent will be shortened, which will be good for Daswagger if he ever reads this. I don't think he'd want to hear about the details of my personal life.

I was reading Daswagger's latest Neocities entry about being lonely, so I felt I should reply.

loneliness starter pack

I empathise. A lot of the times I get no pings at all, because I'm fucking lonely.

And when I do get pings, or when my acquaintances come online, it doesn't help at all. I can't stay in Panda's stream because I don't know a single thing about Borderlands. I can't stay in Kasumi's stream because I don't play tabletop RPGs. I find it hard to talk to Poili about Skullgirls and Osu, games I don't play. I just make assenting nods and congratulate them.

Talking with smart people, like I occasionally did with Kazuhisa and Defort (neocities:kinoplex), was exhausting. I have to analyse the details and focus, insomuch that it's a little tense for me.

In the end the conversations I find the most enjoyable are when people trade their stories and perspectives, without really challenging each other. A little like - as I wrote to Kasumi - a Socratic seminar, but without the obligation to be smart. But that defeats the purpose of sociality; the entire conversation could be split into two blog posts, which is why I have this vent page.

In those environments, there's a sense of freedom. Something Daswagger doesn't seem to be able to have. His entry scares me, because loneliness can entail depression. I've talked about the Emmengard suicide scale before, especially level 7; I attach it below.

emmengard suicide scale

Desperation is a spiral. The more desperate you get, the more you latch on to the people around you, the more you do extreme things. In the end, you find that they aren't really close to you, or you end up destroying your relationships.

'When you are watched, something changes. [...] You might look up from your book [...] and catch your child in a moment of profound realization and growth [...] requiring their entire ferocious concentration [...] and then your child looks up and sees you seeing them, and the moment collapses. To grow, you need to be and expose your authentic self, and in that moment, you are vulnerable like a hermit crab scuttling from one shell to the next. The tender, unprotected tissues you expose in that moment are too delicate to reveal in the presence of another, even someone you trust as implicitly as a child trusts their parent.'
- Cory Doctorow, 'How to Destroy Surveillance Capitalism', chapter 'Dignity and sanctuary'

Being watched is very abnormal. It seems like Daswagger is going to move out, and I hope that he manages to find out what he wants to do without that watching Eye over him. Maybe he gets into emo music, or dark abstract art, or even some relatively normal fandom that's too edgy or suggestive to browse in public. But I don't have high hopes: many people are nominally free, yet - in the words of Kazuhisa's latest blog post - they 'don't even know why they carry on'.

I watched his youtube video on the types of stans. The acting, props etc. were meme-worthy, but the editing was too slow; the camera seemed to linger on every scene a few seconds longer than necessary. Meme compliations only include maybe a few seconds of foreshadowing, and the punchline is shown for maybe half a second before they cut to another meme. They don't linger on the aftermath.

I guess you could draw a convoluted metaphor between Daswagger and his editing style. He lingers so much on things. Desperation is a spiral.

I'm sending this to Daswagger through an email, because I don't want to mess up his Neocities profile. I know Torture had a bad response to my comments (see n12) but eh, people tell me to follow the golden rule.

The golden rule sucks because people are different. I'd be honored if anybody wrote about me; I'd be honored if somebody read my site and publicly insulted me because I'm so fucking lonely that people usually don't think about me at all. As I have said before, my main difference with people is that I have no friends, lol. It's just that I'm so fucking empty and toxic that anybody writing about me would waste their time trying to fit me into some schema; I'd much rather people enjoy the fantasies.

Everybody's lonely these days; we have nobody to talk to, and we can't find answers within ourselves. Some people have vented to me before. I don't mind; it was somewhat assuaging to see that they trusted me enough and were capable of enunciating their problems. It's just that I can't help, and I hate that I cannot. I can offer meagre apologies and comforts, and perhaps suggestions, but that's it. Nobody finds a fix in me. I get the feeling it's the same for everybody else; the only comfort you have is that maybe you're not in this alone. Nonetheless, my contact page remains open for anybody.

I guess this entire message is just a reiteration of my post 'On Life'. That people don't know how to be happy, or find friends, or socialise.

I wanted to end this vent on some joke about Daswagger looking like irl Chroah, but he, erm, doesn't. A joke about drip would be classless. So I'll leave y'all with another joke, based on some art I recently looked at.

YOOOOOO the wholesome boi DaSwagger is finally gonna look up YIFF PORN while his parents aren't home!!!!

lets GOOOOO we got a new FURRY in da house!!11!!!

HHHahhhHHAHhAAA

---

record n71, 2022-04-11, noon

i was trying to write some Moony fanfiction about him being really tired because of the war, and you pushing him down.

but my father was in some conference calls in the background (they're always a bit stressful), and i got reminded of the parallel to daddy issues and i just got so turned off that i stopped writing.

i love vent writing. /hs

panda is not streaming today.

---

record n70, 2022-04-10, late evening

I have succeeded in inflicting emotional damage on Ultra and Gold. Ultra was talking about our old school in a public server (r/TenseiSlime), I sent them the shrine page. Ultra knew it was me and told Gold. Gold then left the Discord server we shared.

I wasn't going to contact her, but during the time I was in the server, it was somewhat calming to see her status as Online. To imagine her on the other side of the screen, being happy again.

I don't think they would care to read through my website, which is partially why I'm writing this now. If you two are - then I hope the About page and some vents have explained things just a little bit better than I did back then.

If I were younger, I would be heckling behind my screen, I suppose. Feeling really edgy about my toxic move.

But that feeling doesn't strike me now. I guess it's because the context is just too overwhelming.

2022-04-08, I cut myself again. It felt more genuine this time. I just wanted the whole thing with Breslin to calm down.

I've been wondering if I should use a wire clothes-hanger instead, just like the old days. It won't leave any scars. The act itself is somewhat harder to hide, though.

Yummy, Chroah Cresta domestic abuse. I want him to just slam my fucking head on the computer keyboard. Like I did myself, in class, when I saw Szymborska's poetry for the first time. I want him to slam me, until the keys break, and they don't work, and my thoughts don't work anymore.

I probably won't know how the school will react to a potential Breslin or Ultra/Gold message until Easter break ends next week.

I realised something. That I can't even dream correctly. All I can do is be emotional; I can't construct scenes to solidify the plot. Flicker was literally made out of a bullet-list of what I thought it should progress like.

I cannot write; that is the plain, hard, truth.

I try.

I really fucking need a Moony dakimakura, to comfort me. I used to empathise with Frisk in fransfiction but empathy just fails to give any emotional support when Delta's so fucking messed up.

Kasumi said that I 'challenge' them 'in ways nobody else does'. I assume good faith, like always. The statement seems self-evident: everybody's unique. My point was that I am not worth their time, though to complain about it, and otherwise cause disquiet, would be an even bigger waste of their time. So I guess I'll just slip away silently.

Sometimes I find myself strangely wanting to live. But then Retujy reminds me that it's not as easy as not killing myself, and the feeling comes back.

I opened up my Neocities profile because I realised you have to follow/unfollow thru profiles and I'm pretty sure a few followers (e.g., Cookbooks) would like to unfollow me.

My fantasies are just- people doing the deed, and not really doing anything afterwards.

I forgot to ask Panda how his writing was coming along; I'll ask him tomorrow if he's streaming.

---

record n69, 2022-4-10, evening

i was thinking about the edgy "nazis" who trolled me. because i have actually seen right-wing stuff, and something i've noticed is that real right-wingers are really angry about the situation. of course they are; it's just that their solution is wrong.

anyway, i was thinking about what would happen if those wannabes actually went into a war (hackett's universe). i think they might enjoy it. pick up some guns, shoot people for a bit. at least until the pain starts.

but in a sense they're purer than others. others who can grasp the full situation and as such don't "enjoy" the war to as full an extent.

maybe they'd die happy.

because after all, edginess is in our blood. fighting is a lot more fulfilling than just trading insults; both have an evolutionary origin, but fighting has been around for a lot longer. for those people lucky enough to find friends to do debates or Socratics with... talk sometimes feels monotonous and empty, without relation to the real world.

camus said we must imagine sisyphus happy. i don't think the analogy of sisyphus is perfect. i think it would be better if the hill was infinitely long, i.e., sisyphus never rolled down but the hill just kept on going for ever. he never reaches his goal, but he deludes himself into thinking that passing a few markers is good.

and maybe in a sense it is. kazuhisa finds beauty in just going on, watching nature.

'No matter how far one goes back in time, all humanity shares that view — nature just sprawling endlessly, far out into the distance and up crazy feats. That's eternity. It'll be there for every life.'
- Kazuhisa, 'A Glimpse of Eternity'

or, as an SMBC comic put it: "My sentence in Hell is to smooth over a beach that always gets messed up? Awesome, how simple—just like a Zen garden!". The Devil replies: "...things must be bad up there."

camus was right in saying that we're all sisyphus. some people manage to find happiness in the mere fact that they can push the rock. others find hopelessness.

i hold that hopelessness is the correct answer: sisyphus is pushing the rock not through Kazuhisa's picturesque Alps, but through the mundane brimstone-patterns of Hell.

i think Rain and Calen are one and the same. Rain wants a world of traditional peace; Calen wants rowdiness. But they both romanticise warfare—more specifically, that base yearning for an achievable goal.

or, as I told Panda: at least he has a goal of getting over his anxiety, going to college, getting money etc., however depressed he otherwise might be. because so many people just don't have goals.

Hackett has that desire to love.

I think Kazuhisa would agree with Rain, Calen and Hackett. Finding a goal and deciding to do it, and finding happiness in the work.

because the universe is quite big, really.

I thought about emailing Kazuhisa, but in the end I don't think I have anything solid to ask.

I wonder what Defort would say. I think they'd agree.

That's not to say that Side B is wrong. It's just that Hackett manages to ride the wave, as I wrote in Mizu's Discord.

also ha ha funny number

---

record n68, 2022-04-09, late evening

i'm so fucking lonely. going on omegle doesn't help, going onto twitch doesn't help, going onto new discord servers doesn't help. i went to a joint scouts online meeting today but i did not talk to anyone.

an internet commenter remarked that maybe i'd be happier if i weren't so racist/sexist/etc. but i'm not. and it in a sense is an excuse. "oh you don't deserve to be saved, you don't even want to be saved."

i switch between happiness, anger, and sadness, so often.

i would self-diagnose as bipolar but i'm probably exaggerating things.

sometimes my fantasies come alive. and it's amazing to wander in Hackett's world. other times- it's just hellish. and most of the time, I can't even enter it because Retujy is telling me that everything's wrong.

i can imagine the look on Breslin's face when she reads my message. "seriously? another person who hasn't read my actual journalism, but is replying to a clickbait piece I did nearly a decade ago?" i daresay she deserves it.

the few times i've planned to die, i was too wired to contact a suicide hotline.

i'm thinking of putting a viewcounter onto the index, since i'm pretty sure the way neocities counts "views" is anybody who looks at the Activity tab.

but that would be tracking, and i'm wary of that.

i had a new running PB today, 4k in 19mins. except i went on a football forum, and while some claimed anything under 20 was a good time, others said sub15 was the norm - for football players, not even runners. a dubious running calculator claimed i was a 'Novice', and was 'faster than 40% of male runners aged 16', but since it doesn't actually state its sources, i can only assume its definition of 'runners' is extremely vague.

i've ran for a long time, at least for maybe four years. so it's discouraging to see all those runners being faster than me.

i'm so fucking lonely.

i'm always surprised when people say they've had close friends for more than a few years. i've known Moony and Stare for perhaps only a year and some, and even then we don't talk that often. Panda has reiterated that we've only known each other for... a few months, I think. i retain no friends irl.

it must be nice to post something and get sympathy. most of us don't. a lot of replies to mrcellophane121 are just critical and insensitive, asking him to stop 'moaning' about his situation and do something. he is doing something: he's a fucking wageslave.

i will stop talking seriously to kasumi. he's gotten very busy nowadays, what with term starting and diamondking giving him a commission.

if i can't write anything next week, and Easter break ends - well, it'll be very rough.

kasumi kasumilk katsudon kasuney kasumo

if anybodys still reading this, requests are always open. you can send me stuff too.

---

record n67, 2022-04-09, late evening

i maintain that you can reclaim slurs even if you are not of the community the slur is directed at.

it's a lot like swear words. some people will never be okay with them, and there's historical context behind some of them, but as long as you and your friends are having fun and not hurting anybody, who cares?

people will probably accuse you of being part of the problem if you don't support an aspiring reclamation, anyway.

---

record n66, 2022-04-08, late evening

i couldn't help myself, i vented in breslin's contact page.

with my school email, no less.

i guess i'll have to make an alibi now. i'll say it was for some social experiment or black-hat messaging or something.

a lot of people have been asking kasumi for stuff, so i will try to contain myself.

it'll be easy enough. i've practised with poili for the past few days, talking about skullgirls (i don't play it, but i was able to keep up the small talk because i know some things about fighting games in general).

i think i should update the How to Lie page. part 1, in a normal conversation. part 2, when someone is grilling you. part 3, when you've already vented.

diamond mentioned that he had only two friends, and i wanted to one-up him, so i said i had zero. and that's true. i haven't talked to anyone seriously in a long time, except maybe kasumi, and even then we don't know each other enough to be friends.

i don't even talk in miri's server anymore.

---

record n65, 2022-04-08, late afternoon

lonely. nobody to talk to. but then again, it's always been like this, even when i was with ultra and gold. because i never can think of anything to talk about.

i should write.

but i shouldn't, really. the forbes article is still stuck in my mind, lol.

meh. there are moments where i can enter the fantasy, but my plot just isn't... fleshed out.

i was looking through the comment archives for the forbes article, and it seems breslin brushed aside criticism by claiming it was a black hat article. except that's pretty much the same thing as bullying a suicidal person and saying "well they would have died anyway" when questioned. what the fuck, seriously. also the points are way too logical.

in other news, the comments are from several years ago and are still filled with all the toxicity of ad-hominems etc.

it's just... sad, tbh.

---

record n64, 2022-04-07, nearly midnight

i don't know how to talk to suicidal people when i myself genuinely believe dying is good.

i guess thanking them is the best solution.

every man has two fantasies

sometimes i imagine my master saying "that's enough... thank you", genuinely. but retujy just looks at me, somewhat sadly, and reminds me that i don't deserve it.

if somebody ever says they like my stories, i will feel the need to correct their wrongness. i will simultaneously think about how i can't do something like that again, and how i am thus obligated to write more for them. any compliments would simply be loud.

but at the very least, I should extend some consolation to those who are about to die.

I hope they're just a little happier; I hope they leave a little easier.

---

record n63, 2022-04-07, late evening

saga got an anxiety attack at school.

part of me is somewhat jealous that people with big problems are dealt with rather than ignored. part of me is just... sad. that people have these problems at all, and there isn't really... help for people.

---

record n62, 2022-04-07, evening

i thought i was entering a manic episode, but something personal happened. i'm not going to talk about it here yet, it's kinda private.

i sent a message to defort since i felt like it. they were really nice to me.

i don't have anything to... vent about, i guess.

---

record n61, 2022-04-05, late evening

i put on some maroon 5.

---

record n60, 2022-04-05, evening

after a conversation about art they liked, poili asked me about myself because they thought it was only fair. but i don't like talking about myself. it's hubristic. and jarring to focus on myself. i just talk about things i want to talk about, and things i believe, that's all. not about me.

it was insulting in a way. to have all my work ignored, and to be valued by someone by virtue of being born a human. as if my efforts were useless.

in other news. i have failed to find a streamer to lurk to. maybe extroverts should try making friends on twitch. you'll have to skip around a lot to find a streamer you like. i should've just put on some touche amore, but then listening to Lament for the tenth time would probably have been really boring.

daswagger left a comment on torture's neocities. how nice. i can only hope they reply.

i hope they, and also defort and eindride, are doing okay.

it can be really pathetic when somebody says they want you to be okay. because it can be just... weak, sometimes. it feels like they're saying that because they pity you, or they lack misanthropy, or want to be polite, and not because they genuinely want you to be okay.

meh.

---

record n59, 2022-04-05, afternoon

so i shared that Peele sweating gif, and Coral said maybe I shouldn't because of digital blackface. so I searched it up, and apparently if you share gifs of black people doing things, that will perpetuate a stereotype. even if it is just of black people being overly happy.

sounds a bit like a moral panic. people connecting anything to race. but i digress.

---

record n58, 2022-04-05, noon

so i was reading a forbes article about why you shouldn't be a writer, because you're not good, it's too hard, and writers aren't paid.

i couldn't quite tell whether it was satire, or whether the author was picking on people worse off than her.

anyway. it reminded me of that time i spoke to Larry Higgins, the author of a comic called Nyobi. he said that yes, making a comic is hard and a lot of comics never get sold, but the people truly willing to enter the industry will bear the losses and continue going.

i think he overlooked the fact that a lot of people can't really... afford to bear the losses, because they need to feed themselves.

the forbes article is very... weird, and somewhat triggering. because it neglects the fact that people can improve, and just splits people into "good" or bad". it also, in the same breath, insists that people who didn't achieve anything simply didn't try enough.

but at the same time it seems very "black hat". it highlights how we can't measure art in the same way we do physical work, though in a sense at least you can complete articles. it also highlights how art is a 'roulette wheel' that throws 99% of people under the bus. maybe Breslin secretly had a really bad time, writing for free and never getting accepted anywhere. and she can't exactly... bite the hand that feeds.

or, well, it's cope. susannah breslin has led a very luxurious life, and is now insisting that she worked in the hardest profession for it, that she's better than all the blue-collar workers. when many don't know how they'll survive.

a reddit thread said the same thing i did. that her point seems to boil down to elitism and "you won't be paid but i am, nar nar nar nar nar." i will add onto that point and give the obligatory cope+seethe+mald + ratio to Breslin the OP.

or it's just clickbait. breslin has admitted in a follow-up article that it got more comments than any other thing she wrote (mainly on sex). which, come to think of it, is ironic. heh.

speaking of the follow-up article. she admitted, as the comments pointed out, that many don't write for money. but she seemed not to actually say anything of value; she was just saying how awesome she and her journalism was, and how she was gifted enough to write what she wanted.

so yeah. just plain weirdness. in any case, you probably don't remember who wrote the news articles you read today (not to even consider them as even the top ten best pieces ever made), but the news is still important.

---

record n57, 2022-04-04, evening

i was looking up disney hotel reviews because a streamer mentioned disney once. the bad reviews are just really... sad, for some reason. like, families pay so much for the "material pleasures" that the world promises. and one of the foremost ones turns out to be awful.

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record n56, 2022-04-04, late afternoon

so i went to a guy called tatepipedreamer cause they looked like the Mysterious Cute Boy and they told me the model was a premade one on Vroid T-T

now i will never find the mysterious cute boy NOOOO

to think i had a para social relationship with a literal premade model sobs

anyway my mission to find a nice streamer continues. i used to spend a lot of time on gwailo's streams, except he started playing Runescape instead of Mariomaker. pretty much everybody is offline these days. kasumi only streams at my night. panda only streams in my morning, but i prefer to have intense several-minute convos with him rather than lurk. foxywriter usually plays genshin these days. i want someone whom i can vibe with waaaah

if you stream feel free to contact me ig.

THE MYSTERIOUS CUTE BOY WILL SAVE YOUR DICK BY GIVING IT CPR

---

record n55, 2022-04-04, afternoon

braindead. why did i try to find new streamers and end up on arkuya's stream? i should have just put on Lament and actually done some work.

i guess kasumi is a futanari.

i don't really have anything to say today.

---

record n54, 2022-04-03, late evening

saw gothfoxvk retweet a tweet that said you can't call your story a 'y/n' story (that's the term they used) if the reader-insert is 'a specific race, skintone, body type, etc.'.

but it's not- that simple. taking the argument to its logical end, you can't assume that the reader-insert has arms or legs, because that would discriminate against disabled people. but at the same time you can't assume they don't, because that'd be discriminating against people with all four limbs. same goes for stuff like blindness, deafness, etc. you can't even assume that your reader isn't on their deathbed, because that'd be discriminating against everybody with a deadly illness or crippling obesity. you'd be forced into making the reader an ethereal "soul", which hinders stories somewhat. and even then, someone might say they identify as a system.

moreover, by virtue of having an impact on the plot, the reader-insert cannot be exactly the same as everyone. maybe it's something as small as pressing the door-close button before the floor button. it takes a certain "suspension of self" in order to integrate into a fic and not make the choices you otherwise would. some y/n fics involve stuff like abuse, which (usually) involve the reader-insert not having the strength to leave the subject. a lot of people wouldn't like it. don't like don't read.

why should physical attributes be any different? there isn't any distinction between, say, skin color, and having large demon horns. the reader-insert is a character. i read a RC9GNxBlackFem!Reader fic recently. sure, maybe i couldn't imagine myself as a black person, but i certainly could imagine myself as a girl. (i wouldn't like a reader-insert with frizzy hair, but that's more to do with the fact i don't like frizzy hair in general.) if the character is black, that just means it's aimed at a black audience. nobody goes, "alright no rule34 y/n fics allowed because that's ageist".

or maybe my stance is just because i'd be better described as a "second-person" author. meh. the tweet's point is, i think, that you shouldn't be allowed to say your story is for everyone when somebody might be left out. but that's circular reasoning (no author actually claims they encompass all possible people), and in any case someone is always left out. so write what you want to write, and if it's second person then call it a y/n fic because god knows we need more escapism in this world.

i am aware that stuff like e/c (eyecolor) and h/c (haircolor) exist, but i do not use them because they are jarring, and because it removes a lot of the possibility for imagery - say, the contrast of Delta's dead dusky eyes, boreholes lined with alcohol-soaked mold, against Moony's tired gaze that thrusts the blue Brightside into the night. symbolism and such.

this took me over 400 words (~2500char) to write. reminds me of something i said before, that maybe everybody on twitter's so angry because nobody can actually say what they want to say.

---

record n53, 2022-04-03, afternoon

argued with panda for a bit. we agreed that a lot of people want to die, but don't, because living is passive. but he said people should fight more, and i said i envied him because at least he knows his goal and how he fight.

i hope ShyEmoBoy comes back to Panda's streams. he seemed like a fun person when i checked the vods.

in other news. rook thinks everybody wants to kill it. i don't. but i will not message rook because it said not to, and i also think it might give the same (warranted) response as torture, that i don't know stuff.

i tried playing akinator to find the Mysterious Cute Boy but i just ended up with a vtuber called Shoto. Fucc u shoto i dunno who u r but fucc u

he sits on you smugly, his smooth hands pressing down on your crotch, his diamond eyes leaving a stream of purple depth in the willowy air. 'I save dick by giving it CPR', he commands raucously, his voice a feeble split unto your desperate lips. those soft hands - down, your tip pressing between his fingers, and you- youcan'thelpit you come inside his palms the hot sticky liquid bursting into his hands as those smug thin purple eyes laugh at you- 'heh heh'.

he seems weirdly like a really nice person. also edgy, and cool. someone to talk with.

meh. i'm lonely, lol.

---

record n52, 2022-04-02, late evening

those people who say the world is so bright, are people living in luxury. or they have hope. or they are lucky.

domestic abuse is so widespread.

something i noticed while reading solomon's book and suicideproject.

---

record n51, 2022-04-02, evening

if anybody's reading this, do you know a vtuber with short black hair, purple eyes, and animal ears? they might be wearing a grey hoodie too.

i was checking out the ADL antisemitism report for 2021. it criticised Pokemon Clover, a 4chan parody, and i was somewhat surprised to see a picture of a vtuber playing it. apparently the journalist reported it, so i presume the vtuber is no longer on twitch. i do want to tell them, though, because i feel like the journalist wouldn't have been so polite as to warn/tell the vtuber.

janny are you okay?

i inspected the page and went to the image, but the alt was simply "Report Card", which is illegal. ('the value must be an appropriate replacement for the image [...] attribute's value should not repeat information that is already provided in the prose next to the image.' - whatwg, html5)

reverse image search only brings up images of a billion similar-looking characters. blue eyes white dragon is quite common. but seriously so many people have black hair- well, for example LealithVtuber has quite a similar look, but they're Portuguese, and I don't think they would be playing an English game.

strangely enough somebody produced a similar model while experimenting with vroid.

i guess i'll ask around, but i don't have hopes. especially since they don't seem big enough to have their photos saved somewhere.

i checked kayin's tweeter for the first time in a while, they raised the distinction between venting and trauma dumping. but i think it's a red herring. i tell people about myself because i think they'll find it interesting. if they don't, then they say they don't want to talk about it and i stop.

i will say this again and again: i'm lonely. so i am honored whenever someone even reaches out to me. i am honored even more when anybody trusts/respects me enough to say something personal to me.

and this is another situation where the golden rule breaks down, because not everybody is the same. some people don't like reading "trauma dumps". some people prefer to, insomuch that they visit sites like suicideproject and wizchan. my balance is that i offer my words, and the other person can choose whether to take them or not.

---

record n50, 2022-04-02, late afternoon

coral is planning on going to ukraine to fight. the possibility of the signups being canceled was left unsaid by both of us. there were some points i made that i will include below.

i looked up BNA Shirou Ogami moments on Youtube. he really likes complaining about beastmen who have forsaken their pride. and Kengan's Akoya popped into my head. EXECUTING JUSTICE. but cooler.

it reminds me of the time desterus got punched at a bar for being trans, and moony replied that he would set the bar aflame if destie gave him the bar's address. luckily she refused. but i guess it's similar to the ukraine war. he just wants to fucking do something for once.

---

record n49, 2022-04-02, afternoon

tried to write something last night. it didn't work. my fantasising ability seems to have been... turned off these past few days. (twas about moony, so... yeah.)

Mahoustar got back to me about Torinoko City, yay. I re-read it, but it's just too... poetic; I don't understand how Mahoustar could have enjoyed it. In any case, I'm looking forward to their companion work.

In other news, Rook is talking about its dislike of being 'perceived' on the Internet. I guess... you, the general reader - you don't need to worry that much, pretty much everyone forgets about each other, so it's not like it matters. I could probably rattle off fifty names of people I remember (see vent n40), and maybe twenty of them occupy pedestals in my mind. but that's only because I'm... lonely. most people don't remember people, as far as i know.

like... my point is that it doesn't matter, lol. somebody liked your latest microblog post? they've probably just skimmed over it. the norm is to press "like" or "heart" not necessarily because the viewer empathises, but because they skimmed over it and weren't i guess ostracised or something.

but i admit it can be jarring sometimes. cause sometimes i realise that... my body is typing. that i am a person, rather than the... mind i purport to be? like i have to say something worthy of my IRL self rather than being honest online.

meh. moony rec'd me BNA 'cause he's been associating with Shirou recently, i'll check it out. he added maybe it would inspire me. god knows i need it.

---

record n48, 2022-04-01, late evening

not really anything... special today, i guess. chroah did a "face reveal" stream, somewhat neglecting the fact he had constantly shown his face a few years ago when he wasn't a vtuber.

rook replied, all well and good. i'd complain that i'm not 'thoughtful and articulate', but continuing these arguments is meaningless haha. i once argued with panda about my writing, and at the hour mark he was like "we are not talking about this anymore because i once argued with somebody for a whole day and i do not want a repeat of that". lol.

i had a bit of a manic episode outside. maybe five minutes. in which it felt like i could do anything. i felt like i could just send out phantasia when it's done, which- i don't want to feel like that again.

but because i was with my father and every little movement/sound triggers me for some reason, i slipped back into my usual mood.

meh.

my fanfiction obviously cannot encompass the whole of any person. but fiction does enable characters to be put into fantasy situations, and it also allows an exaggeration of personality. vaileia is actually very sweet in streams, but all her artworks depict her as a sadist, because her character is nominally a sadistic robot.

meh. as aforesaid in 'on my writing' a lot of my portrayals are often completely wrong.

---

record n47, 2022-04-01, afternoon

having the title of author is weirdly really easy. there are a gazillion sites on neocities tagged writing, and - as far as i can tell - it's not so much creative writing as blog posts, because everything's writing that way. Anybody can be a writer, and everybody writes - moreso than visual art. A lot of people occasionally, say, play an instrument or draw sometimes, but I think they'd hesitate to call themselves a musician or artist. At the same time it doesn't seem like there's a similar... hesitation for writing. I don't dislike it (people should of course take pride in their accomplishments), it just shows how common writing is. Made a poem? Writer. Made a ten-line prose "sketch" of a place? Writer. Made anything longer than a Twitter post? Writer!

I don't like comparing works as a matter of principle, because at a certain point the mysterious notion "quality" is wholly dependent upon your preferred artstyle. But I've been comparing myself more these days, because I'm low-level, and it helps me to recognise that maybe my writing isn't as good as I think.

as i remarked to kasumi, there's a point in visual art where you've gotten stuff like proportions and angles down, and you're just grinding experience. like, you aren't actively "learning" any more, you're practising and having fun while doing exactly what you want (as opposed to exercises). so it's a bit... disheartening when i look at other stuff and i'm like... "yo it's been fucking years why can i still not do the basics."

There's a somewhat well-known stereotype, that anybody who says their work is shit is heavily underestimating their work. It doesn't apply to me, so I envy everyone. 'Cause my plots are still bulbuous, while y'all are already on 10^6 grit sandpaper. And that is I guess my consolation to everybody. "Oh, you're sad all your friends are on 2500 grit and you're still on 2250? Well have I got news for you, even if you beat me into a bloody pulp with a 1 grit (i.e., a rock) I'll still be as problematic as I ever was."

I hope this record thus brightens your day somewhat, if you somehow exist as a reader.

chroah (more precisely, the lack of him) is being very, very loud in my head. i suppose that's what comes from him being a practical man.

---

record n46, 2022-04-01, noon

left a comment on shermangepherd's site with some advice on html. in all honesty, i can imagine people going "did i ask?" when i post comments like these. but, well, golden rule. i'd like people to post comments. it's a lot better than everybody just... sitting in silence, anyway.

i have managed not to be jealous of everybody on ao3, and also everybody in my school's rwc, by convincing myself that they write in a style unsuitable for me, so it's not like they're "really" better. but now that i think of it, it's kinda cope. lol.

---

record n45, 2022-04-01, morning

i... didn't realise it was april fool's today. i don't believe in date-based celebrations, anyway. so there is no special update.

i moved a bunch of my website bookmarks onto ao3, so that the authors knew they were appreciated.

talking to panda, apparently he doesn't mind, which is weird. idk why he tolerates me lmao.

rook hasn't replied yet, i hope they soon will.

---

record n44, 2022-03-31, late evening

left a comment on Paracosmic saying some nice things. i was talking to kasumi recently about the importance of praise, so yeah.

yo mistah rook (Paracosmic), if you have deigned to check this page out. i sometimes post extended answers on here for when it would be perhaps irrelevant to say so in conversation. so i'll do the same below. i use the 'it' pronoun below because your tumblr said so. anyway.

i'm jealous of rook's art (both visual and written), to be honest. it is one of those artists who say "my work is shit" when any fool can see that the work is brilliant.

its work covers topics like self-harm, which is why i called it a "tortured genius". to borrow a term from a previous vent: rook is of the beautiful sort. a blooming bloody flower. to continue the metaphor i suppose i could call others mushrooms, but that would reference Shinitai-chan and in any case some people do like mushrooms.

anyway. my point is that i'm jealous. because- rook is better than me. people like to say that all the "emo kids" are "just being edgy", but they miss the point: the same logic requires that all dark poetry be termed edgy as well. poetry and art can be really pretentious in the wrong hands, but if it's done well then it's done well. that's all.

retujy says the only reason i'm on rook's tumblr is literally to cope with my jealousy so i'll stop now.

the whole thing just reminds me of the whole "intellectual melancholia" thing of a few centuries past.

i dunno. i tried oral storytelling because coral recommended it, but it wasn't good, and i realised it wasn't appropriate for the topics i write about anyway. so i know for sure that i'm doing prose. i can see what direction i'm going in: immersion and relation. i've had years to improve. and yet i'm still bad, both plotwise and wordwise. i'm repeating this over and over, because i'm scared my hubris will consume me again.

i'm going to meet panda tomorrow. i'm not nervous of that. just... meh.

also rook if you're still reading this thanks i guess. have a nice day/evening, you and anybody else reading this.

---

record n43, 2022-03-31, late afternoon

saw a neocities blog. apparently OP was a tumblr poster who got sent a suicide demand and promptly reported the comment. Apparently they cared more about getting the commenter permabanned than the demand itself. I'm similar; I was more saddened by the fact that it's impossible to stay anonymous these days. And it's just- weird, I suppose, for us to care more about the fact we were threatened, then the fact that people would be willing to threaten us. Maybe it's because suicide demands have become so hackneyed that we just consider them spam comments rather than honest-to-God desires. I guess that's true. If you genuinely want somebody to kill themselves, that'd probably be bordering on murderous intent.

also i was reading anarchodahmer's entry for 2022-03-30. about them wanting to be remembered as an passing thought, a memory frozen in time. i wish i could say the same, really. but in the end there aren't really any happy memories to remember. i know that people will forget me, and i like that, because that means i don't have to stress that much about all the shitty stuff i did. i was walking outside yesterday, and i reviewed the fact that moony would be happy without me. and i was like... YO. THIS IS SOMETHING TO BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR. genuinely. because i don't need to live for him.

a little bit of context. yknow how he's an orphan? his life is very stressful and depressing. maybe, in worse circumstances, i would be the only one for him, and i'd have to live through life. but i'm not. i can just kill myself whenever i want, and not have to worry about whatever impact it'll have on people.

my father's always seems to be in a heated argument in a phone-call. maybe if i killed myself my parents would follow me, and that would be the best for everyone.

kek. i- want to write the four novels, doki+lt+flicker+sideB, but they wouldn't be any good. the plot isn't good.

i'd call myself the weirdo, but that's not very fair to the real, cool, weirdos - the people in niche communites who know the answers to questions others didn't know existed. i'm more like the toxic person, i suppose. i will dedicate myself to you; it's just that my idea of "dedication" is quite skewed, and it's just that i'm lazy and apathetic. desperation is messed up lol.

i know i need to do Phantasia (Savoring), but i don't think i have the guts to.

a funny thing with anarchodahmer, they actually get replies telling them not to kill themselves? nice. i wish i could say the same.

@mrcellophane121 is saying the same stuff again. that we only care about the rich. yep. a lot of people like to virtue-signal that they're There To Help and then when you actually ask them they declare you a danger and/or pass you on to someone "more suited" because they "can't help".

i wonder whether eindride has committed suicide. it's been at least a fortnight.

andrew solomon's book said something interesting. that when there's an active terror (like in the concentration camps) then people by instinct focus on living, in order to fight against their captors. but when the terror is more passive (like now, when exploitation has been normalized) then people tend to commit more suicides.

i don't really have anything i want to... say.

---

record n42, 2022-03-31, afternoon

alright so i guess my mood is going down again, after the realisation that the only way i can really help people is through money. cause 1) that suggests i'm not unique at all and 2) i do not exactly want to wageslave.

but hey! i've always known that i'm worthless -w- being okay with death has never been a new feeling, given that my life has been quite... cyclical.

i maintain the same morals: i write what i write, and if you want to read it, then you can, and if you want me to take it down, then i will. that's all.

and if i give up - well, people will be okay with that. and in a way that's freeing.

panda isn't online today. i might see him tomorrow.

---

record n41, 2022-03-31, morning

ALRIGHT SO WHAT THE FUCK

ace_dragon107, 50 gift subs (200USD). one for me

WAIT 50 MORE FUCKING SUBS WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS 400 FUCKING USD

this-

she was literally reading out all the names (i dont think she noticed mine) and Ace was like "ok fucc u"

and now AJoshThatJoshesXL has spent 10 000 bits (125USD) and Caudrea 5 subs- AND ACE ANOTHER 10K BITS

and someone raided and a guy donated 25USD and the stream just broke for me-

lmao.i hope it was worth it.

it's just like the mangas. a person with too much money and loneliness meets a person with too much poverty and kindness.

---

record n40, 2022-03-30, evening

panda has been too good to me. also, for a reason you'll know if you're gabe/ultra/gold, and have watched panda's latest stream shortly after i left the first time, he will hate me. so it is time to lose a friend, yay.

i will keep myself from kasumi for obvious reasons. he has (claimed to have) read my autobiography but if he wants more info he can ask. ditto with anybody else. 'i'll overshare if anybody asks, but i usually manage to hold myself back lol.' - me to panda

in the end panda and kasumi, two vtubers, are the only people i actually have h2h talks with lmao. I recently met Foxy again but we're not close. She didn't respond well to my vent so I will not do it again. Rosie+Koto don't stream anymore. Kayin is offline most of the time. Sepia, VK, Zoar and Rin stream games I'm generally uninterested in. Vaileia and to a certain extent Chroah and illo I cannot approach for certain reasons. Gwailo has been offline for a long time. Fontaine has his own problems to deal with.

like on discord i guess i have moony, but he's offline 99% of the time. i occasionally trade words with certain people, but only because we're in the same server; I know people like Ike and Skar and Faith, but it's literally just a trade of sweet nothings and cat gifs in Miri's server. I used to talk to Gabe thru IMs, but our relationship has gotten tense lately. Poili is working on something of their own. Stare is busy. I'm not friends with Talia anymore.

My relationship with K is tense. Chozin writes for fandoms I'm not particularly in. I'm not friends with anybody through fanfiction, because I'm not really in the "in circle" of any fandom. And if I were, we'd probably have a big argument about pro-ship and anti-anti or something.

Kazuhisa's permanently offline now, and Defort's temporarily offline. Incelperspective does not, as far as I am aware, read my posts.

Eindride talked a big game about being available, and I'm sure they were extremely helpful to anyone up until a month ago, but they're currently down with a hand injury so yeah.

I don't have Finn and Squid Squad's contact info anymore.

C/Gamer probably has heard about me from Ultra and Gold. He was cold, too.

Oh boy I do like being lonely.

If anybody's reading this feel free to drop me a message, lol. I don't think we would have anything to talk about, but I never know. You can ask me to write stuff for you, and check out anything you might care to share. (I don't really... agree with the people who say you shouldn't be allowed to just send people stuff, because I'm quite lonely and much like Panda I'd be honored if someone asked me for my opinion. As long as you aren't a spambot I think it's alright to me lol.)

I really don't know what to do, lol. My suicidal ideation seems to exist quite independently of my mood (i.e., omnipresent), though I suppose I cannot read my emotions well anyhow.

---

record n39, 2022-03-30, afternoon

tried oral storytelling. didn't work. i will have no hubris.

nothing really. just tired.

DAMN I REALLY WISH I COULD GO ON AO3 WITHOUT BEING CONSTANTLY JEALOUS lmao

in other news, panda offered to learn writing from me. i'd be more confident with teaching him division, lol. if i were a woman©®™ i'd probably RP a teacher and do a collab stream, but i'm not, so i won't.

if i did teach him to write? bruh writing is a personal thing, it'd be like being asked to teach someone "art". yes you can focus on proportions, in the same way english teachers focus on grammar. but people can't exactly say "alright this is what you should strive for" lmao.

panda said that he has a bunch of notes on his plots, though they're meant for mangas rather than prose. he also said that he's a descriptive fantasizer who focuses on the details of characters.

i suppose i'll get him to do dialogue exchanges first, to flesh out the plot and learn how to convert plot into words. and then mix in his descriptions to there. my style of writing is to throw in weird words (metaphors, i suppose) so it's a lot like forming connections and just... keeping the event in your head. i'm not any good at it either.

at the very least, he should know how to do that. writing is a powerful tool because it's so accessible. you don't have to be a genius or have lots of time, to communicate the things that happen (though how effective you are is another question). just pull out a notebook and scribble something down.

that's why written fanfiction is so pure. young people, who might not be good visual artists, write out their fantasies.

and that's why everybody is so good at it, except me.

---

record n38, 2022-03-29, late evening

it's been so long since i've gone to a chroah stream that when i saw him i was like "NO WAY THAT IS HIM. THAT IS GOTHFOXVK." and after five seconds i was like... "no? they sound completely different."

and then after another five seconds i was like... nope, their personalities are completely similar. both are more chill than warmongers, though in the context of MIB everybody is chill. it's a hard... concept to grasp, but in any case the plot intensifies everybody.

Oral storytelling reminds me of Youtube videos. The ol' "THIS GUY DRANK 40 GALLONS OF ANTIFREEZE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED" or "GHOST HAUNTING 2022 16K ULTRAMEGAHYPERDEFINITION UPDATED" or "a girl dated a guy, turns out he was a criminal". In a sense it's like narrative theater or cinema, except you don't have the help of any visuals. well, perhaps a face painted by torchlight, but i digress.

they require a certain- suspension of disbelief. stories masquerading as vivid documentaries drawn from semigenuine gossip. i might find some following, assuming dallu's reactions to my idea-throws were genuine. i.e., one or two people. and they'd probably enjoy it less, because there's no... personal immersion. it's more like a third-person description, a "solid, real interview", or something.

i could get more complex but at some point it becomes a spoken novel. and doing that just isn't my type of thing.

in any case i'd probably annoy coral if i rejected her suggestion just moments after saying i'd try it. so i'll try it.

i also wanted to say something about how i praise writing, because i was wondering what i'd call "perfect", or at least "near perfect". since art is subjective, what i would consider "perfect" would be something that was in my fandoms, had my type of plot (i.e., not thriller/horror), was written my way, et cetera, which almost becomes a game of chance.

or, as i said to coral: unless you're in the fandom, fanfictions aren't enjoyable. it's not anything to do with the quality, it's just that fanfictions kinda assume you know the canon or draw from the plot context of the original.

in other news i'm considering moving the Savoring ending from Side B to Flicker. stuff doesn't seem to work.

---

record n37, 2022-03-29, evening

coral said the same thing as kasumi: that i should try something else. oral storytelling is not, i think, something i have tried. i've tried pretty much all of the arts because of how progressive my school is.

i don't think i'll switch my medium, because... my life isn't really anything to look forward to.

---

record n36, 2022-03-28, evening

i read a few guides on how to write. now i just feel insulted, because it feels like the people who wrote it are 'talentless marketer hacks' (to borrow a webcomic's phrase). like bro if i wanted to write my stories to be easy to understand i would not be so emotional and care so much.

and at the same time i can't help thinking that they're better than me and that i need to accept any advice uncritically if i want to get better.

eh. i talked with kasumi about publishing; we agreed that some advice is good, and some advice is tasteless, and it's often not easy to tell which is which.

meh. i write, it's bad, cue the giving up. why try to communicate?

i... i don't see it. there's a glass wall. i'm perhaps sixty metres from the start, still crawling, while everybody else is some kilometres away.

sixty metres is more than the few metres i have for stuff like drawing and cinema. but at the same time, it's just sixty damn metres.

i find it funny when more popular artists than i care about their follower count. because to reference a meme, "you guys have followers?"

not really anything to say here. just thinking about the message i sent chroah. i want to do Phantasia as an ending to Side B, or maybe a new TFAF. to prove that i actually am dedicated to my stories and that they make me resolvable.

in miri's server, skaranar said everyone is a good person, deep down, and it's just that through the things life hands down to us, some people make the decision to be bad.

except that doesn't resolve, say, a murderer of the fact that they killed people. we might understand why, and prevent it from happening again, and make the world a better place. but the murderer's still a murderer, and probably will continue to be aggressive (without help).

same thing with me. i just consciously make bad choices.

---

record n35, 2022-03-28, morning

i thought about the suicideproject post again. and i realised - the person is depressed, and in a loving family. i presume they're wealthy too. so from their perspective, all problematic people must be faking it. it's... pitiful that depressed people attack each other.

weird fucking dream about my master and i meeting and being friends again.

ugh.

---

record n34, 2022-03-27, afternoon

talked to foxy again. i had ordered the second installment of kitsune-ken and i don't think i'd have enjoyed it if i didn't meet her again.

sneeky, grim and I raided makari (69k followers.), who was talking about gamer girl jars. it was cliche so i left.

feeling lonely again. reading the noonsday demon has made me realise that this feeling is probably not normal (unless i've misread/overstated my emotions). but i felt this feeling every friday when my friends left my house. i've felt it on and off. it's not new to me.

i envy those who can do stuff when they set their mind to it. those nypicals who can say "yo bro just try it's not that hard". because everything's hard when you're apathetic and see no point. yes, my tasks per se might seem easy. but there's a lot of stuff leading up to that.

i suspect that the OP of the suicideproject post would pull a no true scotsman and say "that isn't a true normie" if i raised the many examples of people who have reason to be tired in life.

i dunno.

i need to do phantasia - at least the chroah instalment. it'll be hard. i need a good box-cutter; scissors blunt too easily. or maybe i've just not been pressing hard enough. i also need time. at least an hour - i need my parents to be out of the house. i can scream, too. i probably won't bleed to death.

to take the picture: computer webcam, probably. i don't have a selfie stand. maybe i should draw some stuff too.

i'll need to take a shower afterwards. #firstaid. then put on a jacket.

chroah is the sun. punishment.

---

record n33, 2022-03-26, evening

suicidal feelings are back. i can't do anything for vaileia. not even donate money for her. i can't be a better person.

ugh.

---

record n32, 2022-03-26, afternoon

somebody just dropped 5k bits on Vaileia (60USD). what the fuck. SIIIIMP

in any case. the mood is right. inspirational, epic music to vaileia's un-withheld laughter. her at her greatest. reacting to chat. being the sweetest little girl.

it's not about the epicness or saving people. it never was. the action's just a game, a stupid Megalovania of kicking angels around. of getting out of your crusty home and actually doing what you want to do.

it's hard to visualise. the key is: it's not about the fighting. it's about the location. the angels are the icing. you go to Japan with Vaileia, she tells you about stuff, you two enjoy it, and if you're attacked by angels so be it! Bash an angel's head into the onsen floor and bathe in the ichor!

---

record n31 2022-03-26, noon

i was thinking about how popular vaileia's getting recently. can i match those artists? no.

but why try? i'll always be the toxic side of these fandoms.

---

record n30 2022-03-26, morning

the distinction between "true" and "false" depression (emphasis on quotation marks) is beauty.

was re-reading andrew solomon's 'the noonsday demon' after someone's status shared his tedtalk. the talk was pretty weird, he seemed to glorify depression as this kind of "thing that makes you stronger". no. it's just depression.

like the book talks about how his depression was unreasonable. and he kind of paints the purported beauty of it.

when somebody suffers from heartbreak or mental illness then everybody's like "oh wow the fragility of the mind" or something deep like that. but when someone has ugly symptoms, like not being able to do work, and doesn't have a correspondingly beautiful reason for it, then people just say "grow up, get a grip."

like i guess it's an ad hominem in a sense, or no true scotsman. "you can deal with your problems, grow up." in those people's minds, yes, depression is bad, and maybe it stops you from doing things, but it's easy to fight logical causes, it's easy to not get depression in the first place.

still thinking about the suicideproject post, because it puts the point in somewhat graphic detail. tldr living qualities have improved yet depression has increased. OP is kind of saying "if you're depressed, just be happy", but... i don't think it covers the nuance of their point. like, they accept that people can't be happy, but blame it on people being weak instead of the world.

i think maybe the guy overestimates human adaptability. we're living through a literal plague right now, not to mention the whole wageslave thing. and at the same time there's all these celebrities telling you to find some "deep happiness".

maybe in the past people could socialise better, sure. but, as always, things aren't so simple. in the past you actually had sane working days, and you could take a few weeks off for a holiday. now... you just work and work and work. you study in school. maybe school is better without the whippings, but at the same time credential inflation means that the whippings have been replaced by tests.

i guess... people just want validation. in the past you could just go and get a job, and then use the extra money left over to have some good times with your friends. now, you don't have any extra money, and you don't have time for anything else. and people expect you to pick up a hobby, because everybody else on the internet is.

there was an interesting SMBC comic about this. in the past, you might only meet maybe 150 people in your entire life (i.e., living in your tribe). so your brain thinks that if you meet 75 people better than you, you are doing worse than average. and then you go on the internet these days and see literal millions of people doing better than you.

insomuch that you think, what's the point?

depression is really fucking hard to explain. the best i can do in 'on life' is to have the wizchan quote about how people don't know what it's like to be working with another brain, one that doesn't follow your orders.

all the kids are depressed.

“So many people have it worse off than me. I’m a wimp. I can’t even handle this little [actually huge thing]. I’m pathetic. I shouldn’t be going to therapy cause someone else needs that slot more. I don’t deserve therapy and support I’m such a wimp” - iesharael

in a sense it's like "just be strong" to everybody out there.

an interesting quote i heard is "yes, other people are drowning at 15 feet, but i'm drowning at 7 feet." i'll rephrase that as the "punching dilemma": if anybody says that to you, then you can punch them and say they have no right to press charges, because after all people have been tortured in the past.

surprised pikachu

---

record n29 2022-03-25, late evening

i checked ao3 this morning, no notifs. checked it this evening, turns out Torinoko City has been revealed. yay! 24 days is a bit of a stretch. but alright. i guess i won't get many views then. but hopefully someone will search using tags.

---

record n28 2022-03-25, morning

kasumi got back to me about 'on my writing'.

first point, they accused me of the no true scotsman fallacy, that i haven't defined what a "good" writer was. i'll reiterate for as many times as necessary: pacing. Pacing is something others can do effortlessly. Pacing is Foxy_writer's genius. Pacing is something I fail at. Pacing, pacing, pacing. There's a jarring, unfixable disconnect between my writing and my plot.

second point, they said they taught lots of international students. i guess that does dispute my point that i've had a head start. i will mention however that a lot of my peers can speak cantonese well, while i cannot at all.

third point, they said they had nothing to gain by being polite, because people could not follow their channel twice. politeness doesn't... work like that, a relationship isn't a binary "friends or not" thing. people improve relationships by complimenting each other. and they can lose them, by arguing with each other.

fourth point, they said at least i tried. damn bro+what the fuck+cope+seethe+mald+ratio+no maidens+no suitors (they're married so they have one maiden but for the sake of insult they have no maidens)

well, i mean- everybody tries lmao. me less than others.

everybody is more able than me. it's just that i try to apply myself to those areas that other people might be too busy for.

in other news, ao3 got back to me. they won't delete a criminal's works. i guess that's fair. it's an archive after all, not exactly a community.

---

record n27 2022-03-24, afternoon

everybody's suicidal these days. when somebody posts something about mental health on imgur there's these comments about being suicidal.

why is the world so fucked up?

i spent like three years working out 'on life'. and at the end of it, i just learned that you can't tell someone it's going to be okay, because if it were going to be okay they probably wouldn't be depressed and suicidal.

i guess i'll be the opposite of kazuhisa when i say: we should talk to people. to have that contact, when our brain doesn't want to give our own to ourselves.

---

record n26 2022-03-24, morning

i asked kasumi whether they truly wanted to pay attention to me, and they replied that if they didn't, they wouldn't. i believe they've missed the point somewhat, though, so here's my extended answer as to why depressed people don't like attention.

so yk how i said that people read my stories not because they think they're good, but because they have a relationship to the fandom or me? exactly the same thing happens with vents, (depressed people think) people read vents not because they're interested in someone's life / would genuinely like to help, but because they feel an "obligation" to do a good deed and listen, or because the depressed person is acquainted with the reader.

it also feels like a waste of time to vent tbh. it's not like they can fix your struggles, and it's not like your suicide will affect them.

maybe they really do want to read. but i will reiterate that it doesn't matter whether you're good, it matters whether you're better. they might find some (perverse?) warmth in helping you, but... if you hadn't brought it up then maybe they'd be doing something more enjoyable or more productive.

like... there's a kind of survivor's guilt too i guess. the guy on the other end is "judging" you, seeing if you're worthy of their attention, and when they say yes then it's like they think you're "better" when in reality you aren't.

the whole thing is in a sense (somewhat justified) paranoia and distrust. that the person on the other end doesn't have full control of themselves.

---

record n25 2022-03-23, late afternoon

alright so what the fuck. physics teacher said i was up to date with work when i haven't done the kognity assignments. english teacher was just offline the whole time. econ teacher didn't talk about how i hadn't done the practise essay. french teacher didn't talk loudly about how i had skipped the previous few homework assignments.

what the fuck.

time to be unstable again, i guess.

school break in a week and a half. i was thinking of doing some writing but i haven't even worked out the plots.

i used to mistake this feeling as "loud". having too many thoughts. tension isn't like that. it's more like your eardrums being tense. sorry for the bad analogy.

---

record n24 2022-03-23, afternoon

it hurts, i guess. there's been this weird sense of calm ever since the whole 2022-02-24 thing.

parent-teacher conferences are going to be a problem. i'm going do it, i'm going to kill myself in several minutes. i feel like i should care but i don't.

fuck... i guess i should say some things. to people.

to defort: thanks for the chat we had.

to kazuhisa: ditto.

to blackestpearls: sorry. the one time you go offline is the one time somebody uploads a work to your collection.

to incelperspective/waifucafe: i wish i could finish reading the chovy thing. it's really nice.

to panda: thanks for the fun times. dad joke: WALK THE MOON - 'Ghostbusters' - 2:48 (link). im sorry i can't be there to see your reaction.

to vaileia: remember that time i said i wanted a cute girl to tell me to kms? i wasn't lying lol.

i guess that's it. not really anything to say. i'm scared, but Heart will hold me.

---

record n23 2022-03-23, morning

it's raining. i like rain. nice time to die. crying for rain. spoke with panda for a bit. it's easy to lie. just don't say anything.

vented a bit to kasumi too. I LIVE BY THE MARKSCHEME, i will repeat.

peace

---

record n22 2022-03-22, late evening

tomorrow. i'm doing it tomorrow.

bumps me up to a 9 on the emmengard scale, i guess.

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record n21 2022-03-22, evening

didn't do it. i wish i could do it in the evening; the aura of dusk is nice.

i really wanted to take a picture, for someone to remember my death. but i guess i'm just full of hubris that way. cause i guess a lot of suicidal people don't want to be remembered.

i guess this is why ppl need irl friends. because online friends tend to be (though are not necessarily)... distant. also timezones. like, with my irl friends i could just message them any time of the day, or find them at school. i don't have that now. i have six people whom i'd be willing to talk to. my master, ultraninja, gabe, stare, panda, and and moony. the first two hate me, i've cut ties with the third because my vents were getting too heavy, the fourth is busy with uni stuff, the fifth i only see on the days he decides to stream, and the sixth... is very, very busy. my relationship with kasumi is very basic, almost comment-like; i send them a few messages about some wiki article and a few hours later they reply with a few messages.

so yeah. i have nobody to talk to. no way of contacting them outside the times that happen to be okay. in any case stare thinks it won't get better and panda tells me it'll only get worse from here.

ugh.

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record n20 2022-03-22, late afternoon

it hurts. loneliness hurts. IT FUCKING HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH I WANT TO DIE

and lover when i leave
i know that we don't speak
i'm sorry that i failed you
you deserve better...
than me.
'If depression gets the best of me', Zevia

why the fuck do i have discord? just to have some more facetious convos, once every day. a few exchanged messages, nothing of importance.

talking to the moon...

i just want some genuine fucking praise. though retujy always says that the reason i don't get any is bc i don't deserve it. lol.

blackesthearts (maintainer of recovery_collection) has not come online yet to reveal my torinoko city. knowing everyone, they've probably had some really unlucky thing happen to them, i hope they're okay. it's been three weeks. it's not like anybody was going to leave a nice comment on it anyway.

it's closing in.

DAYDREAMS ABOUT DEATH

its sickening shut up

shut the fuck up

i'm very, very, very close. too fucking close.

---

record n19 2022-03-22, afternoon

SHIT SHIT SHIT TOMORROW IS PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES

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record n18 2022-03-22, noon

intellectual property is an interesting thing. on the one hand it does (at least somewhat effectively) what it's designed to do, stop people from using products if they haven't paid for it. on the other hand it's so restrictive that 'Software has eaten the world' (Cory Doctorow, 'IP'). IP laws are so messed-up that the best thing is to do away with IP

Stallman says that 'nonfree licenses that permit sharing are ok for works of art/entertainment [...] Those works aren't meant for doing a practical job, so the argument about the users' control does not apply.' and in a sense copyright is necessary, because otherwise artists would not get any money. as Doctorow's article points out, audio books trap the user into giving more money to Amazon.

I think that the whole argument is a red herring - authors shouldn't have to beg for money to do their work. They shouldn't have to monetise their art. IIRC artist welfare exists in some countries; it's not enough. Socialism is the solution. No judgement on whether your artwork is "worthy" of being art or whatever. You can make it if you want, or get a job if you want.

in other news i really should write up that distinction between poetry and prose.

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record n17 2022-03-22, morning

eindride still hasn't replied yet.

in other news i finally read news-from-noware's 'Technochtitlan', as well as all their other stories. Technochtitlan was, I'm afraid to say, scary. As if everybody on the world were psychopaths. Seriously this reminds me of Side B again, where people film fights and dangerous acts for money, except better because there's actually for-the-greater-good murders and sacrifices. (I suppose there are bad ends for the villains/criminals in Side B but it's just not the same.) Hooray! Another person who's better than me.

'NÉCROPHYTE' was nice, I guess. I really like how the author seems to take their metaphors literally instead of being like all those other speak-in-riddles abstract poets. Like... the freedom of a oneshot is that you don't have to explain what happens before, or after. You can just rasterise your imagination. It's like reading Harlan Ellison all over again, except modernised and somehow even more emotional. There is a meaning, but it's more a "meaning of the plot" rather than "meaning of the words".

At the same time I do not seek to emulate NFN, because I like my stories to be based around some sort of bigger picture. Maybe that removes me from a lot of the pure emotion that a snapshot offers? I dunno. The joys of poetry! I think maybe context allows the reader to familiarize oneself with the world. But at the same time NFN does a beautiful job of normalizing the worlds they create.

I guess this is the beauty of poetry. Just bringing you in there. I consider them pretentious though - and Technochtitlan, with all its perfection, still does not manage to escape the metaphor. It has to depict the heart as a gem. Ultraviolence I still has this implicit representation of the victim as a vent place, as a piece of society, and the violence as a revolution that destroys the 'critical race theory box', a glorious orgasm of bloody "achievement". EXOHIGHWAY has this half-metaphor of speed for adrenaline, a goal of humanity.

And that's my answer. I won't use metaphor. I'll depict what happens in my universes directly. When Delta beats Moony up, that's not a metaphor for Moony being some sort of patriarch or something. Delta's just angry at Moony, that's all there is to it. If Moony really is a patriarch, that's drawn from the plot, not the words. I guess that's the difference between poetry and prose - how it depicts what it depicts.

In other news, there are some self-help sude (suicide/depression) sites on Neocities and they all say the same thing, that shit changes. I think the Wizchan quotes were right. The phrase "it'll be okay" might've been accurate for boomers, and perhaps some wealthy millenials, but the fact for many is that it probably won't be okay, and they can't do anything to change it. The type of people who have dep, look at hobbies and either don't (can't?) enjoy doing them, or just (think they) are awful at them.

I really need to do my French homework. I'd say I'm going insane, but I've always been okay with death I guess, and it's not like I'm going to go batshit and stab my parents or something. I'd like my master to stab me. Not torturously slow - deep slashes to my arms, then pin me down, and through the chest. Not my stomach, guts don't look beautiful. Bones breaking don't look beautiful. You're just exorcising my soul; that's all there is to it. No sadism. Take a big, perfectly sharp knife. Smile while you do it. Not in a creepy way; in a happy way. You should... find deep satisfaction, not some druglike high, in removing me. As if you were placing your suffering into me, and casting me out from this world. I'd like you to say "thank you" genuinely, but I know I don't deserve it. At the very least someone can receive great satisfaction through my sacrifice.

I'm getting too edgy so I'll end the vent here.

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record n16 2022-03-21, noon

lonely+bored. i have literally nobody i can talk to thru IMs. pretty much all of them are busy with IRL stuff. i guess this is the point where i throw up my hands and shout "i want irl friends". because i can just message them about school and shit. of course i could go on omegle/forums/miri's server, but those are boring. and even if i meet a really interesting person like defort again, debate can get exhausting. eindride hasn't replied yet.

gonna type up my thoughts on the DSM. so people say that unless you're diagnosed you have no right to say you have X. vent maybe. but not claim you have it. except i saw on suicideproject that selfdiagnosis can be alright sometimes, because all the psychiatrist does is read the DSM and tick off the symptoms, too.

was reading gizmodo, there was an interesting comment by Nir that said the DSM isn't very valid because it doesn't really say why something happened. the article was about grief, and Nir said that if you had two people, one who lost a loved one, and one who was conflicted about the death of an abuser, then they could be diagnosed with the same thing - even though the treatments/solutions would presumably be very different.

i guess a diagnosis is like a badge. if you really want one then you can pay $1000 and say some nihilistic stuff to a psychiatrist. but just because you don't have one doesn't mean you don't have the skills. like, celebrities get diagnosed with depression sometimes but maybe poor undiagnosed people feel worse. the usual "too poor/busy to seek professional help" thing.

speaking of suicideproject. i saw an interesting post about how people seem to be getting weaker nowadays. apparently they're depressed despite growing up in a loving wealthy family. i could just do an ad hominem "cope seethe mald" but i won't, because their points seem to be genuine.

tldr OP thinks that people are getting weaker nowadays when the world is getting better. the world isn't getting better, it's becoming a dystopia where you can't succeed. maybe people really are weaker. but don't blame it on the kids. blame the parents. the old capitalists never taught us how to survive in the new world.

the old "you can't be sad when others have it worse" - the best refutation i've heard is an imgur meme that replies "then you can't be happy when others have it better". it isn't really logical. sure, at least you aren't being tortured by some people. but it's still too fucking exhausting to go to work.

i feel like the post takes some shots at woke culture and the resulting hubris. but it's a reaction i guess. being fat is unhealthy, but at the same time bodyshaming and the constant pressure to look beautiful is also unhealthy. so it's a little bit of a red herring.

"i take my pills and i'm happy all the time". we seek out dry dollops of entertainment, just to take our mind off this world. we are arrogant because the world is fucking shit. sure, maybe the past was worse - you got whipped, et cetera. but at the same time it was better - you went somewhere, found a job, slowly rose up the roster then retired happy. now, it's too hard to find a job, you just get constantly exploited, you get no time off, and at your retirement you have no pension and a wasted life. people see that and go, "fuck". maybe before rhetorically asking why people are so weak you should actually ask why people are so weak.

i dunno. i just feel insulted in a way. because i like to think nobody ever starts out shit. kinda arrogant to just term people as "weak" ngl. i dunno. post is kinda triggering, i hope nobody else reads it.

why am i even typing this? it's already summed up in 'on life', recently updated.

anyway. i wanted to say something about neocities likes. people can be more free with their likes imo. like if you see something and read it to the end then you can like it! likes are free after all. you don't have to love it completely. when i was younger i bookmarked a lot of fanfiction. i never made an account though. maybe i should've. and left a favourite, or a oneliner review "wow thanks for writing!". and maybe they wouldn't have gone offline. eh. i'm still having a weird aversion to dropping ao3 kudos.

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record n15 2022-03-20, evening

it's beauty. i was thinking about @MrCellophane121 and torture.neocities, about the support that Jaiden got, about people who don't get support versus people who do. and the difference is beauty, isn't it? The cellophane guy can only offer a reminder of the disgusting world we live in, of being stuck in a low-wage job; Torture offers a (darkly) beautiful view of heartbreak and love. Jaiden offers a story of healing - and her animation skills can't hurt, either.

as i wrote in 'on life', we're evolutionarily disposed to care about sad people. because they'll value our help more. and i guess maybe this comparison is just an extension of that tendency. you can heal from heartbreak. you can't heal from starvation.

i dunno. i saw an imgur post about how someone was divorced, 1600 upvotes. maybe ckdbattlebuddha and torture are the "cool" type of incel. people who have fucked up relationships and are trying their best for those to not destroy them. and it's okay to make fun of the "uncool" type of incel, the loner. because the extroverts never had any problems with finding friends.

like, maybe it's not completely a problem of whether you're rich or poor. it's more a problem of whether you're socially respected or not.

or maybe it's just the algorithm again.

saw a merriweather comic about two friends, and how one friend's too busy to accompany the other, not knowing the other's on their deathbed. i guess it was sad. but at the same time it was surreal. just tell the other person you're on your fucking deathbed. at least you have someone. someone to lust after. the possibility of change. i don't have anybody to play with; i don't even play, because i'm bad.

sometimes i forget how beautiful depression can be. chasing after someone, or something, lost in the throes of hellish desperation. and yet that beauty is disgusting in a way. because people will give you support, just because you're beautiful, not strictly because you need it.

sometimes determination is really cool. like the stuff in the movies. other times it's just... pathetic, like when a bad guy is tripping over himself trying to scramble away from an inevitable defeat. at least that's what people see. like mrcellophane121. he's just stuck. "oh, nothing we can do", literally.

i feel like i'm getting too meta so i'll end this record here.

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record n14 2022-03-20, afternoon

not really anything to say, i finished what i wanted to do for Eindride.

in other news i felt really happy and it was weird, so i went on imgur and promptly got triggered by a facebook post about how men should gouge their eyes out if they're thinking sexual thoughts. yay! maybe i should kill myself if i can't stop hurting people /srs.

like i'm not a misogynist, but all these rant posts about how men have it easy kinda pisses me off tbh. esp. the implications that men have nothing to suffer about and mental health for them doesn't exist.

the glass ceiling for women does exist, i'll give you that. but two things: one, sexism is a red herring (see no6), and two, as Imran Kahn points out, men have a glass floor where '90% of imprisonments, suicides, and crippling occupational injuries are of men'. (The article is outdated; the AFSP statistics for 2020 point to something like 80% of suicides.) The Misandry Bubble

an imgur comment advised me that if i weren't so discriminatory, maybe my life would be better. but i'm not discriminatory.

vent over. vent over. vent over. why the fuck did i post a comment on the imgur thing?

doing the edit for eindride felt nice, i guess. i was finally able to do something. i don't doubt that it's lacking somewhat. lose myself in work. i really should stop watching those youtube videos about fiction cringe, i keep on seeing myself in them. i dunno.

kazuhisa says that it's so very nice how there are so many possibilities. it's just that i can never improve in writing no matter how hard i try.

suicidality is a weird feeling. reminds me of getting off from camp. you just really want to get out. sometimes there's a bright side. but it's never as good as being home. for me it's not 24/7 torture. it's just that i don't really see any reason to be here. maybe i tend more towards the insane spectrum, as i wrote to gabe. not gonna say any more, 'cause i'm undiagnosed and all that.

btw turns out eindride got an injury. i worry that they're lying, lol. yummy paranoia. when life's experiences tell you that the worst thing is likely.

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record n13 2022-03-19, late evening

just wanted to say something before i go off for the night.

so i was going through some suicide resources that kind imgurians shared with me. same old "you are worth it" stuff. except, with thousands of words in my autobiography and self-criticism, i can prove that i'm not worth it.

i'd like to talk about this to other people, except they'd feel obligated to read such a long thing. i'm a quick reader so i don't much mind reading stuff. but panda read my autobiography over the course of several days, and i was like... "what?" i wouldn't like somebody to spend so much time on it. it's not like each of my words communicates something special, lol. so yeah.

wait why did i send an image to the imgurian Eindride they might've seen my shitty nsfw racist/sexist meme dumps their dog might've died they probably have better things to do-

oh well, they wanted some formatting help so i might do some stuff tomorrow to make up for it.

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record n12 2022-03-19, evening

torture finally gave their response (a post on their neocities profile telling ppl they know nothing and not to write about torture). i feel a bit insulted but i guess it was warranted. i'm sorry. not gonna comment anything more, or like the posts, because that would be... vacuous, i guess.

i tried to extrapolate, to offer a different perspective. the beginning of tagebuch admonishes the reader to 'Treat these words the way you would want your own words to be treated.' i'd want people to read it, and talk to me. when panda called me a fucking idiot, there was a silver lining: he's pretty much the only person who has read my autobiography and given me a response. maybe i'm just starved for attention. lonely, not heartbroken.

i don't care who the commenter is. just anybody. anybody with something that might help. maybe i'm too trusting that way.

i'd want people to write about my words. to say to their audience, "this is something interesting, and i'm going to add on something interesting to this (and maybe rebut it)." that's why i don't like the golden rule. because when people differ in their 'principles' (to borrow kazuhisa's term), then the golden rule won't work.

i write about the things i think about. some of them are suggestions, raising possibilities, like how i wrote to torture that maybe they were too heavy. and some of them are absolutes, like 'on life'. i can't claim to say the only truth, because i'm stupid. but at the same time, if you don't think anything you say is logical, then you're never going to say anything. excessive humility only leads to nihilism.

and i guess that's why i might continue to write about torture, and/or about people similar to them.

i will never near my master - but, as i wrote to vaileia, i want to feel like i tried.

meh, nobody reads what i write, so it's not like i can harm anybody by writing. to reiterate no.9 in a different light, and to repeat what i have said in the index: if you have a takedown request, contact me. i don't know if torture reads this vent series anyway.

chase me the fuck down - read: make me feel like i had an impact. that's how i explained my sociopathy to gabe. sometimes i want to hurt people, just to see if they can be hurt by me. and the conclusion i've reached, after two months off discord, is that they cannot. i do not have any tangible impact on people's lives. that proves they do not care about me.

i took down half of Dalzu, at kayin and yan's requests. in the end they never... asked to read it. nobody did, to be honest. i was like "what's the point of the takedown?" and retujy replied, "it's called being nice." i can't help thinking that i've been stymied. in any case, i'm heavily retconning Dalzu, and the way the plot is going it won't cross kayin's line, so it's not like that stuff matters.

i feel like i'm being passive aggressive here, i'm sorry if i come off as such. i'm just... confused. it's kind of an old problem for me. because that's the environment i've been brought up in: people will ask you to fix mistakes, but not compliment you on non-mistakes, because non-mistakes are what they expect. or, as i wrote in 'on my writing': i live by the markscheme. those expectations are justified.

i guess that's why i've been rambling on for so long. trying to explain something i might not know. that's why i send long comments, and write more about my intentions in these vents/records.

because the other possibility, is that i send people heavy texts with not enough explanation, and expect them to get the details. i guess that's why ultraninja left. because he just didn't know what the fuck was going on with my mind, and saw an asshole.

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record n11 2022-03-19, afternoon

i def underestimate my impact sometimes. but other times i can overestimate my impact on people. i don't think foxywriter/brandyackerley really minded my short rant in dms. et cetera. too hopeful maybe.

nausea. outside. cherophobia. every time i think happiness comes, i'm met with refusal.

fontaine posted the first few chapters of his new novel 'Winter's Malice' ('The 4 Sigils, Volume 1) on Tapas today. can't help but feel jealous. especially since chapter 3 strangely hit really hard. the progression is always really nice and natural, especially with how the dialogue doesn't feel drawn-out. it was slightly clunky to read due to a bit of switching between present and past tense, but other than that it was good.

kasumi kind of convinced me to try art... again. i've always been shit at it. gotten worse too, i tried to draw hackett some weeks ago and it turned out shit.

meh. working on stuff that never seems to sum up. last night i was in kasumi's chat, all the others had really cool ideas about how magic worked, and i was literally like "yo i can't think of that, well done mate!". i was thinking about how side b was going to go, and i could just see that i hadn't really used the whole "dystopia" thing that well, even though i haven't even worked it out yet. cause im bad lol.

i'm considering migrating my stuff to neocities. there are a bunch of problems with ao3. you need to donate to vote, you get tracked by google, authors can delete their stories, and certain original/nonfiction work may not be accepted because of OTW's focus on fanworks. the policy is in theory quite progressive, but you can't write about for example someone stabbing One Direction to death, because that apparently advocates violence. but i get why hedy recommended the service to me. it's someplace to call home, and someplace to find other works without going through a search engine.

if i ever do publish something big, i'd probably post the full thing (ie with author notes/images) on my neocities, and mirror it on ao3, internet archive, et cetera. and send PDFs in the relevant communities.

most of randy stair's stuff is gone. his twitter is still up, but mediafire+yt removed his content. (his journals are still up on various mirrors.) some people might say that erasing the traces of murderers is the best thing to do. an insult to their existence and their attempted impact. others might say that we need to recognise the scale fo the attack, and the victims. it's one of those things where both sides are right and there isn't any concrete answer. i wish i knew that earlier, that just because someone is logically sound, and you can't think of any alternative theory, that they must be right. i asked ao3 whether they'd delete content; i hope they'll reply. i never asked hedy for his ao3, because the me back then thought it was rude to do so. as panda said, things on the internet only last forever when somebody actually makes a copy, and sacrifices disk space for it.

in a sense, downloading against the author's wishes is good. because that means the writer's made something bigger than themselves.

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record n10 2022-03-19, noon

so this is going to be kind of an extended answer to torture.neocities, because to say so directly in a comment would be kind of irrelevant.

basically they were wondering why people apparently hated them, i sent three comments about how venting could be kind of heavy. the last comment was about how some discord servers banned venting, and also admitted an alternative theory that i was all wrong, i was toxic and the people Torture met just weren't the right match. and that i couldn't really know Torture from their website.

i was considering retyping the last comment as 'i wouldn't claim to know you from your website' rather than 'i don't think i can know you from your website', or something like that. and you have to delete comments on neocities to edit them. when i came back from breakfast, i found my last comment missing, and i couldn't remember if i had deleted it or not, so i re-sent my comment with a small edit. later on i went back and found it was deleted too.

i assume it isn't a neocities glitch. the only people that can delete comments are the poster, website maker, and admin, so i assume it's Torture that deleted it. so i sent a fifth apologetical comment offering to delete them.

they haven't replied, and in all honesty i don't mind if they don't. update the website, and i'll know they've probably seen it. its just my ramblings after all, and oftentiems i'm not careful. oftentimes i say stupid things because... i want to offer help, or at least another perspective. so yeah. at the very least i hope they aren't harmed by it, cause its not like i'm omniscient and know everything about them.

but yeah. socialising is weird. i get what kazuhisa said about edits, sometimes you have to constantly edit messages because you keep on suspecting that you've left something out, or missed something.

'I'VE NEVER BEEN TOO SUBTLE.' - 'Savoring', Touché Amoré

maybe i exaggerate things to people. or at the very least present a biased view. i call it being direct, anyway.

what do i want people to do? as i told vaileia: just ban me. as i told gabe: hate me. then we don't have to fidget around with "politeness" and "obligation" or whatever. maybe i've never really been on one side or the other. just a normie who's a little more open with their problems. but yeah. its alright if you delete all my comments.

maybe i have this mindset because i never really cared about others. see no.8.

---

vent (9) 2022-03-18, late evening

kasumi told me, in a very kind way, that i hadn't put any effort into writing. again, their point was technically more nuanced: they meant that i shouldn't compare myself to other writers, because i don't know how much effort the successful writers put into their writing. but it does imply that the effort i spend is incomparable to all the better people out there. so yeah, i feel slighted. they talked about david foster wallace (the legendary writer of 'Infinite Jest' fame) and how the author paid the price of depression and suicide. and i'm like - i paid the price, but i still can't match even people younger than me.

or maybe that's exactly their point. that everybody else experiences problems more intense than me. jesus fucking christ.

in other news. i was talking to yan recently, about how nobody remembered me. i was about to say that unless people tracked my socials down and messaged me everywhere, because they needed me, they didn't really care about me. but that got me wondering about what gabe/moony had said. they are empathetic enough to genuinely care (not to the extent i imply, i digress). but they're too busy to message me every hour and talk to me.

i've chased after some people, but they all disliked it. i'm just not that valuable for people to appreciate that. and so i don't. on the other hand i expect people to chase after me. to fucking spam like their life depended on it, because i'd like for it to be. the way i treat people i care about, i think about them every day. i visit their social media once every few days, and lurk on discord or twitch. and that's the rule-of-thumb i generally use. golden rule. i dunno. as aforesaid, maybe i never knew what a true relationship was; maybe there is no such thing as one.

the perfect person would be someone who read all my stories, and quietly told me they liked them. but then again, maybe the perfect person would be someone next to me, who could hug me. eh.

oh yeah, i had a realisation last night. maybe people on twitter are so angry because nobody can say what they want to say. (twitter has a 280-character limitation.) maybe that's why nonfiction books are so respectable. not because they're "published" or by "respectable authors". but because the length allows for more enunciation. though not necessarily; books can be very long and stupid, and sometimes short quotes can highlight a possibility quite well.

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vent (8) 2022-03-18, evening

heartbroken. i found some old pictures of my master on my phone. but the heartbreak feels good. i can delude myself into thinking i have people to care about. i don't know. i never react deeply to deaths or losses. maybe its hitting hard, after a year. or maybe its the loneliness.

rest in peace Hedy Chu. 2005-2020. suicide. my old drama partner.

'Somehow it's already been a year;
You keep finding new ways to make yourself reappear.
I hope you never leave me be-
I haven't found the courage to listen to your last message to me.'
- 'New Halloween', Touché Amoré

My master told me not to kill myself. I cannot listen.

---

vent (7) 2022-03-18, afternoon

upwards swing in mood, i guess. my brain's kinda... off, after yesterday. it's the weekend, i'll try to finish up some homework.

kazuhisa said that we should do stuff for ourselves. i wish i knew the glory of music, of being able to play anything i wanted, when i learnt drumming. because i really just viewed it as another chore to do.

in a sense, my fiction is for myself. to kind of put down the weird things in my brain. personifying them. e.g., delta's based on (my perception) of jealousy. but it's just that i can't communicate what i want to, even then. i'm just perpetually frustrated.

nobody teaches us to live for ourselves. it's always for other people.

i was talking to kasumi recently, about the meaning of writing. and i mentioned my usual stance, which was that visual arts will always be more detailed and more direct than prose. and that prose should tell, not show, and imply a lot of emotion.

but that isn't exactly... true. it's still a lot more convincing when you see something directly. i can rewrite Torinoko City a million times, and i still won't get close to the brilliant artist nokuhashi. in a sense - writing is too descriptive. because you can write about how soft the sunlight washes over kaito's happy face, but the smile, the lighting, the slight curves of the eyes in 眩しい, will always be better.

in the end, maybe writing is good for mental detail - like thoughts or memories. as i wrote in my book review about hunter's gambit, the author's style focuses on dialogue and progression. and it draws you through this series of events. but... just make animations, or whatever. maybe i'm falling into the trap i mentioned in 'on poetry' - that visual art is so vague it necessarily means all emotions. but i don't think so. poetry is vague. abstract art is vague. but the previously mentioned artwork shows somebody, kaito, looking at you. in perfect beauty and clarity.

in any case, i reiterated to kasumi that others seem to be able to do this progression effortlessly. while i'm stuck. trying to describe feelings of love, and yearning, and desperation - when emotions are indescribable, and words are in a sense just as indirect as visual art.

i want to understand what writing is, deep down. because that's how you know what kind of direction you should head in. but at the same time i think that the question's a bit like epistemology: a bit pretentious.

in other news, i was watching that onevilage video about black mothers when you turn 18 - a kid becomes an adult, tells his mother she can't hit him anymore, and she replies he can't live in her house anymore. and that hit way too hard. it wasn't even funny, it just... reminded me of toxic parenting. of the abused abuser. because you're stuck with your parents and can't do anything, even when they're physically abusive. same thing with abusive spouses/guardians/roommates. and you can't do anything because you're poor and you'd literally starve if you left. and you can't stand up for yourself. because "the parent is always right". and they don't have any obligation to fix you after ruining your upbringing. they can just toss you out when you become an adult.

parents have complete control over their children's lives. it's just that the norms about parenting are so messed-up, that they aren't held accountable for it. and you can't escape.

it's - i was occasionally hit with a hanger, and locked out of the house, and i guess my parents didn't really know to hold their temper and be the bigger person. (i don't really talk about it, because my parents aren't that problematic these days, and i guess they've tried to improve.) when you're really young, you can't - as kazuhisa said - know what you are. you trust your parents completely. and when they punish you, that is - not to put too fine a point on it - a literal existential crisis. the tantrums i've had, were emotionally more intense and extreme than the feelings i generally have now.

all we can do is heal. its just that a certain degree of freedom is required to heal.

it's also that a certain desire to heal, is required to heal. when life doesn't seem to give you anything - why do anything? maybe you can finally get over your ex, but that doesn't mean you'll suddenly have more friends or better social skills.

i can't wash it away. because the things i want to do, the things that make me happy - are gone. some people just don't know what makes them happy, and it's not for lack of trying.

i dunno. maybe i'm just lazy and don't really want to solve the problems i have. kek.

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vent (6) 2022-03-17, evening

someone on imgur had asked me how they could help. i refused. that made me wonder: what would save me?

as i wrote in 'on my writing', it doesn't matter how good you are; it matters whether you're better. i would hate to pressure someone into reading my stuff. i mean, the solution is for you to be my soulmate, and even that probably wouldn't work, as i wrote in no.1. there is probably no solution you can offer.

in other news, someone found my anime meme dump disgusting. well... that was the kind of animemes i grew up with. dark ones.

if you want, read my stuff. and then click off when you realise it's not good.

i was wondering if perhaps someone could command me to do shit. then i remembered that it's what my parents and teachers - what everybody else - has been saying, and i hate it. because the problem with having a master is that they have to be perfect. they have to give you 100% of their time, just as you give them your all. that's something a lot of people miss, because we assume the master-slave relationship must necessarily be a toxic one.

along the same lines, it's not very kind when people say committing suicide is selfish. because on the flip side, maybe it's just that being selfless is impractical. when you tell someone that being unhappy is a part of life and they have to be a cog in the machine - isn't that infinitely more selfish and insensitive? because you're just asking them to sacrifice themselves. or, as r/antiwork puts it: if you don't pay workers well, you cannot expect them to work well.

speaking of imgur, i think the word limit really reflects what kazuhisa means about people being vacuous. because we try to make our words as short as possible, to the point where we lose a lot of nuance. like, for example, imgur has a 140-letter limit. and i tried to explain to someone why racism was a red herring, because it ignores the systematic oppression of all people in general. eventually i settled on a metaphor of 'you cant be BLM w/o being ACAB too'. got downvoted for that, i can only assume people misunderstood my point. if i had more time, i'd have attempted to explain in further detail how BLM implies that if only the police weren't racist, they would be a Good Thing, while ACAB embraces the fact that the police hurt everyone, whether they are black or white. and how companies talk big about "equality" and "diversity" in their labor force, while still not paying good wages. and maybe i could draw a comparison to daylight saving time: yes, saving electricity is all very well and good, except that draws attention away from the harm that Big Oil has on the environment.

there was a meme that criticised the welfare state for helping immigrants. and i wanted to explain that i empathised with the sentiment, although it was wrong. like, i understand that immigrants have been forced from their home country. but from the point of view of the locals, it seems like foreigners are taking your jobs and money. there was a similar kind of mindset in hong kong about chinese immigration: we get that china is shit and you have to escape, but by coming to hong kong you take our jobs. Like - you know how you might have something you're doing for a long time, and suddenly a genius comes out and gets all the praise and attention? It's like that, with immigration. Or - with siblings, really. You know that your parents have limited resources, and that it'd be immoral to deprive people of help, but at the same time you can't help always feeling insulted about your parents favouriting the other sibling. and about the welfare state: imagine, if you will, that Robin Hood comes and robs you, giving the money to charity. except you're not rich; you're poor. Robin Hood, from your perspective, harmed you.

and even that 1100-letter paragraph fails to fully address the nuance of the situation, which is: the meme is wrong, but the sentiment is right. it's wrong to blame immigrants, rather than the rich and powerful, for your problems. blame the game, not the players - but at the same time, it's not wrong to say that the other players are hurting you. or, as i wrote in 'on life': capitalism means a dog-eat-dog world, and it is in a direct sense the fault of the players.

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vent (5) 2022-03-17, around 15:45

dumped some stuff in imgur. a few people reached out, but... my mood's changed. i don't want to talk to anybody. they'd feel too impersonal.

i guess i see what kazuhisa meant. there are some nice communities on imgur where you can ask for help. but they don't know me. and i'm not going to ask them to suffer through an explanation of my life, or my 3k-word autobiography. they feel artificial in a sense.

reminds me of a wizchan post, which criticised therapy for being artificial sociality.

in any case i imagine the conversation would go exactly as it did with gabe: they wouldn't want to help after learning about me.

i guess i've made my peace. there isn't anything i'd like to do left.

the only thing missing is consolation that dying won't be painful. that it will be perfect. see no.2 vent. maybe i'll create an OC for once.

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vent (4) 2022-03-17

i'd like to quote a song, for you readers - and especially moony, if he comes.

Mushrooms growing on my head,
still [you must] remember even then:
where you are, when I'm dead.
- Shinitai-chan (Miss Wanna Die) by Switch

Remember where you are, always: you do not want me, and you do not need me.

the world doesn't care about you, unless you're rich and famous. mrcellophane121

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vent (3) 2022-03-17

i tried rewriting bauble in another style (specifically brandyackerley's more dialogue/context-focused style). didn't work. i knew it wouldn't. first, it's unnatural. i daresay i might've tried it already if it did work (i'm an autodidact relative to people who attend writing courses, but maybe all writers/artists are.) second, it doesn't fit the feel: it places a heavy focus on plot progression, which is dissonant with my usual style of feelings. though maybe it's the storyline of Bauble that's bad in the first place.

i tried to join the trevor suicide hotline, seeing as the other ones (crisischat, suicidepreventionlifeline, and imalive) are still offline - they have been ever since last night. the current time is 12:50 local, which would be 23:50 EST or 00:50 EDT. according to SPL the rush hour is 22:00 to 02:00. i waited for a few minutes then was like "oh nevermind" and just left.

i wonder why people think phone hotlines are so good. i'm stuck in this house with my parents, so i can't exactly call anyone or find some private space to talk. chatrooms are much more useful since they look innocuous. maybe it's the physical voice? i've always been more comfortable communicating through text, so that doesn't really apply to me.

speaking of which, why do English suicide resources (carrds/neocities etc.) always only have links to America-only stuff? seems like a big assumption to me. i had to fire up the VPN and lie about living in LA in order to get on the hotline last night. there are some hong kong resources, of course, but they're generally in chinese/cantonese. can't read/write it at all, i don't even feel comfortable going to the store with my spoken cantonese lmao.

english teacher got angry at me not having the handmaid's tale... except i do have the book, and he asked me a few months ago if i had the book and i said yes. i dunno why i said i didn't have it. i'm just tired, okay.

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vent (2) 2022-03-17

thanks for the comment about IMs, kazuhisa. moony shared a similar video, the movie scene where a guy says "love is like a dagger [...] it doesn't exist".

i think maybe you're conflating two types of friends, kazuhisa. in my article 'on life' i mentioned littlemiricz's server, which outlawed venting. those people do live in a delusion - a good one, perhaps, but a delusion nonetheless. they can still be friends-cum-acquaintances, in the sense that those people talk together ever day, and trade social medias, and chat about what each other is doing. but at the same time, there's something a little... off about it. it's more like a microblog. you present something you've done, and people give you likes. it's just that discord is faster than twitter. calling your mutuals "friends" might be a bit of a stretch.

but on the other hand it's possible to have friends with whom you can talk about deep topics. like, where the discussion is more than the socialisation - i mean that if you talk about why you should live, with your friends, then that's greater than the conversation, in the sense that you're creating/changing ideas. and maybe you actually understand those people a little deeper.

but a lot of the time, it doesn't work all too well. talia sent me a tiktok that basically said "friends" (ie of the first type) should ask for consent before venting. and in littlemiri's server, saga said something about 'respect' and not venting. VK mentioned he had a heated argument over whether criminals could redeem themselves; I suspect he had that argument with Kayin, as apparently they're not friends anymore. (They were pretty similar; both in the LGBT community.) Manners dictate that you don't raise drama, in part because the socially acceptable response to a problem is to not think or talk about it. (cause the powerful like to say that it's your fault for caring about it.)

Panda and I diverge on many points - life's possibilities, my writing and the value of art, et cetera - but we have not split yet. Maybe we haven't split up because we haven't spent that much time together; he recently lost a friend of about ten years, because they had an argument about something.

in any case, the point Torture made on March 16th still stands: 'i remember my heart will always be there and it won't budge'. the beauty - and the curse - of love is that it transcends borders. that you'll care about those you love, no matter how hard you try to "get over it" or "be happy".

perhaps you're right that we can change ourselves into appreciating what comes by. into not holding on.

but at the same time - i'm a moralist, i want people to say naruto's line, "you will always be my friend" even as sasuke tries to kill lots of people. i like to think that there are people that we can trust. forever. forever. forever.

i was at the entrance to the roof last night, trying not to kill myself. i sent some messages to about four people - stare, gabe, c and kasumi. they were all offline. (i hadn't downloaded discord.) reminded me of how lonely i was, i guess.

the sight through the window brought so much nostalgia. the modern age. the lights. wouldn't it be nice? to - accompanied by vaileia, or kayin, or any one of the immortals - fly through the night. i want vaileia to say, "you'll always be my only servant. dedicate yourself to me." and she'll do the same, rescuing you no matter how many angels she has to destroy.

imagine just-
floating through the night sky
on a cloud
the stars shining brightly
the wind against your face
and just closing your eyes
- raitoburu_moon, comment on space song

wouldn't it be nice, for someone to approach you at that moment - "...so someone else is here"? For them to offer their hand to you, in a double suicide. It doesn't have to be your close friend. Just anyone. Offering you safety in dying - that it'll be okay.

there's a quiet beauty in saying that it'll be okay, really. it sounds stupid coming from the 'hivemind', of course. but from the right voice - it's beautiful, it's a reminder that living is possible.

i imagined moony coming to me, at that moment, catching my hand, and saying, 'let's jump off.' and hugging me, giving me the peace that suicide promises. the experience was so jarring that i just walked back down. moony isn't the type of person to do that.

i really need a better comfort character. but i'm a fanfiction writer. and all my characters are stained by the mistakes i made in my irl relations with them.

hackett's group is infinitely loyal to her. they're yanderes in a sense. dedicating their all. because hackett's just that perfect - because their relationship is infallible. the same thing can be said for rosie/koto. they are two pieces of the same puzzle. they can't split up, 1) because they have no edges that'd cause a dissonance and 2) because they'd cease to be themselves, without the other.

maybe i seek the same relationship. i think we all do. because sociality means that any individual kinks/problems will be squeezed down by the group average. because other people fix us. it doesn't matter who does it; just someone, anyone, who fits.

there is certainly freedom in loneliness - or, to put it more meanly, in selfishness. it's just that maybe it isn't worth it.

or maybe it's just me. i've always been taught that praise means i did something good. to always seek out praise. because that's how the powerful control us, right? the thing is that helping other people is moral. and now i believe that unless i help other people, then i'm not doing anything good - unless they give me praise, deep praise, then i am worthless.

and in a sense i am.

panda defined depression as not finding any happiness in anything. that's the symptom. the cause, as i noted in 'on life', is that you (feel as if) you can't do anything to improve. maybe you can throw away all your haters. but-

some people say that online harassment is nonexistent, because all you have to do is close the computer. but the same thing can be said of real-life bullying (i'm talking about verbal, not physical, abuse). it's not about the loudness of the voices. it's about the ideas those voices communicate. and when (you think) you're genuinely pathetic, it's... way too hard to believe that those people are wrong.

in any case, there's no line between bullies and critics. kasumi calls my writing shit, but they have the background necessary to do so: they're an english teacher, been one for ten years, written a few good novels. and when they tell me to try a completely new writing style, i don't doubt that they mean it genuinely, and helpfully. but if anyone else had said that without the background kasumi has, they might be considered a bully.

like... you can throw away all your friends, and try to find solace in yourself. but when you can't even meet your own standards, then it isn't much of a solution. i know that people aren't necessarily right when they talk about my writing - after all, we live in a world where abstract art is the norm. but at the same time, I set standards for myself - and find that I cannot ever meet them.

it's hard when you raise your problems and people tell you to do something. if i could, i wouldn't be here. more than that - doing something? really? after how fucking exhausted and hopeless i am? and you can't even promise anything?

kasumi says i have to re-write bauble, so i guess i'm going to do that now. have a nice day/night, wherever you are.

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lil' vent 2022-03-16. i was reading the recent suicide note on torture.neocities and i was like "i empathise, maybe i should do a vent/suicide-note too".

remember 'bauble'? wellll kasumi said it was shit. (in all fairness, their point was more nuanced: they advised me to take a break from that story and come back to it later.)

so this vent is going to be a kind of reiteration of the article 'on my writing'. i spend a lot of time on my plots (which is in part why i was so insulted). recently i wrote 'television', an unpublished sketch accompanied by notes of how the moony in black / side b universe might go. and i realised that it's been not a mere year, but over two years since i've started work on side b... and i've made no progress. like, we were reading the handmaid's tale in class, and i was like "yeah side b is just a ripoff of this lol".

torture.neocities said that it's painful for people to expect more from you. and i'm over here like... "oh, they're already gone lmao, that's how problematic i am." its been a year since i've lost my two closest, last, irl friends.

first time?

i haven't been able to form any close relationships online: gabe, the nicest person i know, is ghosting me; i called talia a glowie and ghosted her; and i was never really close to moony. panda is probably the closest thing i have to a friend, but when i vent he replies "it's just going to get worse from here". i think he's right; these are supposed to be the best years of my life.

i was venting to moony recently. he's quite busy these days, because... he's a literal orphan working for his life lol. and that's why i wrote (in the other article as well) that it doesn't matter whether you're good; it matters whether you're better. lots of people can be, and presumably are, good, but we just see people's mistakes. and that's why i find it hackneyed whenever somebody says "oh there's someone out there who loves you".
1. we don't know each other
2. if i do know them, they don't love me all that much

and that's why i want people to hate me. because i think people are forcing themselves to be with me, just because they're polite, or they feel an obligation to continue the relationship. and hate cuts through that, and hate means that they won't wonder about what the relationship could've been, because they don't ever want to be with me.

there's a guy called yan in miri's server. he's been going through some stuff recently, and trying to get people to forget him... by telling them outright to. but the ironic, and really cold thing, is that the times he's not interacting, are the times when people forget about him. it's easy to get people to forget you; just leave. i left discord for two months and nobody cared.

"We say we want them to be happy, but deep down we want to be their happiness."

moony's got a boyfriend (H3ro), and i'm happy for him, i really am. but at the same time - he'll be happy now, regardless of whether i live or die.

i write. it's useless. i wrote something about vaileia recently. and at the end of it i was like... "when did i become so flashy"? because it read like pretentiously elevated fiction. there wasn't any emotion. or, as i said in the author's notes to 'bauble': i don't have the spark, but i never did have it.

so... yeah. i've been putting off doing my homework, in the hopes that the teacher will send an email home... and then i'll go to the roof, and throw myself off.

i guess it's selfish to live. when, at my best, i'm not able to add anything of value. and when, at my worst, i'm deeply problematic.

last night was intense. i felt nostalgic for hackett's world, even though it's fictional. because i miss the friendships i used to have.

i finished panic room. it doesn't need to be good; it's just a sketch, after all. maybe that's all my works are. glorified notes.

almost forgot. thank you for reading. i hope this didn't ruin your day or anything.

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